Done did it again.... Go figure.

Find a guy, fall for a guy, get hurt by the guy.... Seems to be a repetitive thing with me. I don't understand why it seems that when I decide to open up, that's when the guy is like "ok, time to rip her heart out". The theme seems to be "I don't want a relationship" or "I don't think I was ready to be in a relationship yet, I'm sorry to hurt you"... What you really mean is "I've enjoyed fucking you and gettin' benefits...but I'm done now. I just said I love you to get in your pants". Thanks, next time just let me know IN ADVANCE that we ain't gonna be nothin' serious...k?

Sometimes I wonder why I even try with these guys. I wonder why they feel like it's ok to get what they want and I don't get shit that I want. These guys don't give a shit about doing sweet and romantic things now-a-days. Guys don't feel they should have to reassure you of their "supposed" love they have for you. Doesn't anyone in this day and age enjoy making their woman feel like they are the only one on their mans mind? Don't guys like making a woman feel special anymore?

I don't get why I can't find someone who wants to be loved and spoiled....I don't understand the concept of "let's take it slow"...doesn't that mean "I wanna fuck you, but not be committed to you"..? I guess I just have to re-evaluate what it is that I want from a guy...and maybe one of these lucky days, I'll find what I'm looking for. Wondering some times, "what the hell do I even want in a relationship?" I want a guy who does the things for me, that I do for him!!

Learning from my past relationships, I don't want a guy who can't even let me know when he's not gonna be there for me. Don't want a guy that lies to my face and expects me to believe him. A guy that can't look me in the eye and promise me that he's all mine and noone else has access to him. I really don't want a guy that thinks the only way he can have a good time is to go out clubbin' n drinkin'...that's not what I want in my life. I don't want a guy that is afraid to commit to me...which apparently that's the hardest thing to find because guys aint about shit no more!

I want someone who isn't afraid to show their affection, I want a guy that makes sure I know he's all mine! A guy that likes to see a smile on my face knowing he put it there. A guy that will come n pick me up without me having to ask. I want a guy that is gonna buy small random things for me just because seeing it, made him think of me. (Not frequently, just once in a while) Someone that texts me often just to say he's thinking of me and misses me, or calls to hear my voice because it makes his day. ...hard to comply with? Apparently so!

I think the hardest thing in my life to try and do, is have a lasting relationship. The guys I wanna have a relationship with, don't wanna have nothin' serious, and the ones that I just wanna have a good time with, they wanna settle down. Everything always ends up ass backwards! Guess life goes the way it goes for a reason.

There's still love in my heart for one guy... it just so happens, that he doesn't want a fuckin' relationship!! My recent ex.... I find it funny how easily I let him go. I love him alot, and I wish that we had a better relationship together besides him tellin' me the pussy is "off the chain" and his bullshit about marriage n he loves me to death...But..fuck it. He's got a place in my heart, that spot has been burned there for the last few years. I'll never forget him, though I'll never have him back in my life to hurt me again.

One day, someone will realize that I'm a good woman, that deserves to be treated good and they'll fall head over heels in love. Knowing my odds, they'll realize it when it's too damn late and I would have moved on before they see what they've lost. I guess I just don't give a shit anymore tho. The person that I really want... it looks like he's not too interested in having me. So, he is just another one that I'll have to let go. I'm not the type of person that is just gonna sit around and wait for you to decide that having a relationship with me is worth it or not. Either you wanna be with me, or you don't! Don't bullshit me! It's your loss if you don't want me, I aint losin' a damn thing.

My theory on relationships, is that they aren't worth the efforts that I put into them. Why am I gonna try n spoil a man who doesn't even appreciate it? Why am I going to do things for you, when you don't do shit for me? lol I'm done with the bullshit...I'ma just do me, and fuck who don't like it! I'm on my own shit now... noone wants to be loved n appreciated. Why should I keep on trying?

L.F (you know ur own name...figure that out), I want you, I wanna make you happy n spoil you, I want you to feel loved and appreciated. You don't want a relationship...but I aint gonna sit n wait, either you want to be with me, or you don't. That "take it slow" shit, doesn't fly with me. xoxo babe.... Much love!

I used to sit and wonder.."Is there really such a thing out there called 'love'? I wonder if I'll ever find a love like the stories tell of." Sometimes I think I've found it, then I'm proven wrong. Looking for the right person to spend my life with, I've ran into a lot of douche bags along the way. Seems I don't know the things about them that I should, before I pour my heart into them.

A few years back, I met a guy that caught my attention immediately upon meeting him. I wanted to get with him asap, but he didn't feel like it would be a good idea...so I kinda just let that idea go. I lost touch with him and regained contact a few times. The most recent time we saw one another...I couldn't let him go again. We started talking again and I just grew more n more addicted to him. His swag is thru the roof!

Being that I was currently in a relationship, that I really wasn't completely happy in... I had to find a way out of it and get with this guy so bad that it killed me to not be with him! Everything about him turns me on, his voice, his walk, his smile, his eyes, his silly ways he sings songs and makes faces, the way he looks when he's thinking about something important....I'm addicted to him on every level.

Finally got him and my world came into a perfect alignment...He is there when I need him, he spends time with me, he makes me laugh and smile, he makes me feel comfortable and like I can be open with him about most things...the rest will have to be worked on. I fell in love because he made me feel complete!

After a while of spending time together, lovin in hotel rooms, being happy together, sharing dreams and ambitions together, a marriage in the future.... He says he doesn't think he's ready to be in a relationship. Are you kidding me? Didn't u just ask me less than a month ago if I'd marry you? Didn't you say you are ready to live with me and wake up next to me everyday? Now you decide that you need time to think about things and figure out what you want?

I'm not sure what I've done in my life to bring me the pain that seems to come my way. This time, I put all I had into trying to make sure he's happy, give him love and affection, let him know he's what I want and noone could take me from him... I tried to do things right and keep a smile on his face. But I went wrong? Why do I feel like I made a mistake? I took my walls down for him to come in and tear me apart?

I'm not sure how to save this relationship....In my experience, when a relationship needs to "slow down", it's basically over. How do you recover from a blow that is so devastating to your heart that you are suddenly lost and have no idea what to do? I'd give anything to make this better...do anything to make him see that I love him more than anything in this entire world. There's nothing in this world I want more than to have his love and attention. I want to be on his mind 24/7, I want him to send me messages first thing in the morning and last thing at night. If he would tell me all the time that he's happy and loves me with every inch of his heart, I'd never stop smiling. I want him to know that even when he feels like noone on Earth gives a fuck about him, I'll still be by his side holding his hand and loving him.

With every beat of my heart I love him more and more... I feel like I allowed my love for him to grow stronger than his love for me. Why didn't I see this coming? Guess I was so blinded by the fact that he's so damn perfect and makes me feel so alive...that I couldn't pay attention to anything else. Damn... I feel like my heart got ripped out and he's the one holding it. I think that his previous relationship caused this trouble for me. I almost feel like he isn't over his love for another female. Maybe I'm wrong, but maybe I'm right...either way... I want him to love only me now, and forever.

When we are together, I feel like nothing could bring me down. The smile on my face is there because I love the time we share together, I love that he makes sure I'm ok and nothing is wrong. I love that he makes me smile even when I don't want to. When we are alone, sitting in the car, talking about random topics...I'm happy. If we were stranded out in the middle of nowhere, it wouldn't matter because I would be happy just spending time with the man that I love!

Loving someone has never been something that felt so good to me before... opening my soul to someone hasn't been something I looked forward to before... I fell in love with him and I don't regret it, I wouldn't change it, and I would never hurt him. I love him so much...I'm torn apart by not knowing what our future holds. Will we bounce back from this setback? Will we break up and forget that we even went this far? Does he want to have a serious, committed relationship with me? Does he understand that I love him more than anything in the world? I'd do anything for him, for his happiness, for his love... I love to see him smile, but somewhere, his smile was lost.

There's a path to finding a way for him to open up his soul, open his heart to me...open his life to me, and I'm not ready to give up on that. I'm not leaving his side, I'm not looking for a plan B just incase we don't work out, I'm not gonna leave him for another guy just because there's rocks in the road, I won't back down just because he's caused me pain and let me down. I'm going to stand here and love him more than ever, I'm going to continue to give him all the love I have and all the affection I can give. I want to spend my life with him and make him happier than any other female in the world ever has, or ever could! I want him to see that if he's not happy, I'm not happy. I want him to know that he can do anything and be anything he wants and I'm still going to love him regardless.

Never, in all my relationships, have I felt like this about someone... If there was a speedbump along the way, I took another road and never looked back. But not with him...I'll take the speedbumps and continue riding the same road because of the amount of love I have for him. He doesn't understand just how much of a difference he has made in me, he don't understand that our relationship has no ability to move too fast because in my eyes, we are moving along just fine. Living together? Marriage? I'll accept all of that with no regrets because I know that I only want him in my life. There's no possibility of us breaking up because of someone else, there's no chance of me cheating on him, there's no way I'd turn my back on him... though I may forget sometimes that he loves me, and I question what happens in his day and where he goes and what he does.... I dont mean for it to seem like I don't trust him.

I'm used to being hurt, I'm used to lies, mistrust, cheaters, and I'm used to having to keep a guard up. I feel like every man has secrets, every man does dirt because they feel like there is no woman worth being loved truly and being good to. But I am that woman, I am worth being loved and I am worth being good to. I can be the greatest relationship any guy has ever had...and I will be that woman when I see that no other woman is on my man's mind. When I am told frequently that he loves me, he adores me, he don't see no other woman in his heart but me. I will be that woman when he pushes all my doubts aside and makes me see that he's all about me.

I love my man...I love him more than there are stars in the sky. How exactly do I tell him that and have him understand? He's all I could ever ask for and he's all I want. My heart belongs to him...Noone else can take ownership over it as long as he's loving me!!

What am I doing....?

What don't you like about relationships?
restrictions and constant questions

:-/ ok thanks
What?

You basically just said we'll never be a couple...

What the hell am I doing?... Why am I even pursuing someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship? I thought it was because he makes me feel so fucking wonderful inside and out..or because when he smiles my heart stops and I'm in a whole new world. Maybe it was because when he puts his arms around me I feel like I'm wrapped up with a warm cotton blanket on a freezing winter nite.

When I met him...I asked questions...tried to see if he'd be a good match for me. Guess I didn't ask the right ones. I woulda known sooner that he's not the one for me. Or is it the other way around? He wants someone who's gonna let him do as he pleases and not question his motives...? If he didn't want to be in a relationship...why did he even come at me? Were we supposed to just be cut friends? Am I just supposed to be here to give him a nut n move on? Why did I allow this to happen?

I accepted this behavior because the feeling of being around him and the unexplainable feelings he gives me, the awesome emotions he causes...that smile that he can't turn into a frown even if he tried! But the mistake in all this? Not that I succumb to his requests more often than I should...not that he doesn't spend much time with me...No..the mistake is that I was the stupid one who fell in love. In love with his voice when he's speaking about anything he feels like talking about. In love with his smile when it spreads across his face..I fell in love with his touch because it sends a chill thru my body and all I can do is close my eyes and smile. I fell in love with the way he makes me smile and turn red when all he does is walk into the room.

I fell in love with someone who doesn't even return it, doesn't want it, and has no intention on even making an US happen.

There's things to do...ways to make a guy feel that he's really ready for a relationship with you...Atleast that's what Cosmopolitan says. I sit here and I'm depressed and I watch my tears fall because I feel like I'm a dumbass who's being lead into a deadend. I can't do this...I can't allow myself to continue to be dragged thru the splinters that are causing my heart to bleed. Why doesn't he want me? I thought I'd done things that made him happy... That's not enough? They say women don't want the guys who do them right, they leave em for the guy who abuses them...is the same true with guys? I do him right..I buy him things when I can, I give him love n affection... I'd do ANYTHING for him to make him happy and look what I get in return!!!!

I spoil you...you play me... doesn't sound fair in my book! But...Like I've said, THERE IS NOONE ON THIS PLANET THAT IS RIGHT FOR ME!!! He just proves it...cuz he's so fucking perfect and he's all I want...yet he doesn't want me. Improper Match yet again! Why do I try? Why do I keep falling weak when it comes to him? Why does he hurt me? When will this horrible karma end? I hate that this bullshit happens...Hate that I'm so easily smitten with guys... I hate that I let myself fall in love, hate that I even love at all! I hate that he's so fuckin' perfect! I hate that he knows what I want and denies me to my face! I'm done with this insanity...done with being hurt like this and done with being the fool!

I love you..you know I do...I can't continue to be pulled in a direction I don't even want to go in... I'd do anything for you! I try to help you, I feed you, please you, love you, spoil you, and I crave you!.. In return...I get the short end of the stick and I can't do this anymore!


Why do you let me sit here and tell you that I love you and I'd do anything to make you happy, while you sit there and smile, say "aww", and deny a relationship to me? Why do you sit there and say "I like you alot and I enjoy spending time with you", when we hardly even spend time together!?

When I am sad and when I'm crying, you are the first person I think about that can even put a smile on my face. Then, when I think about you and how much I care for you, the life I want with you..then I'm crying again because I spend time with you once or twice a month. I feel like I don't mean a whole lot to you and you'd be perfectly fine without me in your life.

How can you wake up and go to sleep at nite knowing that someone in this world is willing to give you anything you could ask for within reason, love you unconditionally, comfort you, support you, be there for you....and you keep them at arms length..so easily??

How come your heart seems to be lost?... Your past must have kept it...I wish it was here. I wish it was with me, loving me. I don't even see that you want to or even have intentions on doing so. You do things for me...but not for US! When do you want to spend time with me? Every few weeks doesnt work for me...when I do see it, it's for a ride home...a visit...or a lift to pick up things at wal-mart...Why don't you ask me to go out more? Why don't you come see me on your days off?? Why am I the last thing on your list of things to do??

I feel like we are nothing but friends with benefits...and I'M not getting any damn benefits!!!

I have needs just as you do...I want to feel all the things I've given to you...but it doesn't happen...why am I LAST??

Why can't you show me what I mean to you? Why can't you open yourself up and tell me that you want to be with me & love me? Why can't you realize that you have a damn good woman here to be anything you need...yet you push me aside!!

How long can I sit here and be your side toy...sitting here wondering if you have another woman you love, wondering why you go hours without txtn me, we never talk on the phone, never even attempt a call...wondering why you say "if you want to stop talking I understand, but I wouldn't recommend it"... wondering why I should even open MYSELF up to you and you can't open yourself to me. Wondering why my heart tells me that I should stay and wait for you, but your heart is nowhere to be found. I'm wondering why I love you so fuckin' much, but my love is the only love being expressed...wondering why you don't kiss me the way I want, or touch me how I want...wondering why I am standing here alone and you are fine with it! You said you care...but you've got to show me!! Why don't you show me?...

Please help me to understand why I'm here, alone,...after months of trying... you pursued ME...not the other way around. So why the fuck don't you want to be more than friends???? In the beginning would have been a NICE time to tell me this...
I am trapped..alone in this world...noone to love me...noone to accept my heart...noone to call my own... no man, no love, no relationship. AND YOU ARE OK WITH THIS??

Love me or leave me... I can't take this shit! You don't realize what stands infront of you, or you just don't care! Find you heart, let me cherish it, Find your emotions, let me feel them...Or step back and let me find what Im looking for!

And while I've got my mind on it...since you and I are NOT together, does this also mean that I can hangout with whom I wish, and fuck whoever I want?...Hmm... does that also mean that I should be fine with you chillin' wit females and fuckin' them?.. If that's the case, don't bother with me any longer... I want YOU! ONLY YOU, LAMONT FRASIER!!! Pleasseeeee realize this before it's too late...this is killing me and it gets harder and harder as the days go by!

I love you! I love you more than you even know! My heart is yours, I am yours...but I have nothing in return and it pisses me off!!

I'm holdin on by a thread...thin and worn, I grasp it as tight as I can. When I'm around Lamont, that thread grows as thick as a rope, strong and new. I feel no stress and everything feels like its ok. When I'm not near him, can't see his face or feel his touch, things crumble again. I begin 2 fall back thru the abyss of darkness and pain until I see him again.
There's never been a person who has caused me to forget my troubles so easily...one person in the past, but not as easily as Lamont does. I'm wrapped up in a blanket of bliss and pure happiness when his arms are around me..I think that I've even forgot any thoughts in my head as soon as he's close to me.
All I can think is "wow...he makes me feel so good and I'm so addicted to being around him....I wonder if he'll ever fall in love with me n be mine forever" Though he don't seem like the type 2 do so... maybe, but not to me. He's a great guy, he's fuckin sexy as hell, and I can't help but to wanna spoil him n see him smile. He don't want a relationship...I prolly shoulda walked away when I learned that...but, maybe he'll change his mind and be my King. Maybe he'll call me his gurl n cause a whole new wave of buttflies in me.
My chest hurt when he said he ain't ready for a relationship... mostly because I was tellin myself we gon b together n I was sayin 2 myself, he's my man n we are so good 2gether, I love dis dude n I can't help it...then a tornado came n tore that away. Now I think 2 myself..."we ain't 2gether, not gon be 2gether for a while, n we jus cut friends".... prolly the wrong attitude bout it, but I've felt that way.
I wish there was a manual to guide me to find a way 2 this dudes heart n cause him 2 feel the way I do. To make him love me how I love him. How do u get a guy that's not wantin a relationship, to change? I wanna cry sumtimes cuz all I want is a happy, loving relationship wit some1 who makes me feel whole n special. I thought I had found that person... seems I've fooled myself again.
Lamont don't even say the sweet things I expect to hear, he don't do the things I want, he don't even show affectionate interest like I want... but I guess we all don't get everything we want do we? I can overlook his lack of affectionate interest like textin b4 bed, upon waking up, n thru the day jus 2 say hi n I miss u..I can overlook that he don't jus say "ur beautiful" just because... I just want him to know that i'd do almost anything for him, give him anything I can, and support him on whatever he needs. I want to be the best friend he could ever ask for and the best female he's ever been involved with... is there a correct path to that place?
I'm obsessed, addicted, and infatuated with him, he's on my mind 24/7 no matter what I do! One day, he'll say "I love you" and I'll faint...he seems too good to be true. I haven't found a sizable flaw in him yet, and my heart keeps growing for him... I love him more than I probably even should so soon....but I wouldn't take it back n never regret it.

Thru all of this stress and disaster I'm going thru, all I need is the presence of him 2 make things ok, if only for a few hours...I'm happy! I just hope that I make him atleast half as happy as he makes me, n he don't even realize he's got a good female in front of him... he don't want a relationship tho...I seem to be stuck on that.... it floors me how I can fall for some1 who ain't mine n don't wanna be. It causes tears in my eyes n pain in my chest. What the fuck do I have to do to get what I want in this world?... *sigh* I won't give up tho, not yet...I'll stand here n wait until I break... I ain't ready to let him leave my life, nor my heart. Lamont...you have 100% of me, yet I have 10% of u.... I wish I knew y u don't wanna be in a relationship...and how to change that. Its killing me... my stress level is higher when I think about it and add it to my problems... which that list is a mile long already... but I love u...I won't give up on reaching for ur heart! Xoxo babe, love u always!

Just Fall

I think about you and I want to tell you to just fall. Just fall into my arms and let me hold you endlessly til our lives end. Fall and never regret it, embrace it and let me love you.
I see your face and inside, I'm screaming to your soul to let loose and just fall for me. Seeing you smile makes me fall, I fall everytime it spreads across your face. I fall everytime your arms wrap around me and I feel like the world stopped around me.
Just fall and leave the past where it is, look toward the future and just fall into my heart. Amazingly you put a smile on my face which not many people get to see, much less have the ability to do.
Thoughts of you run through my head all times of the day and nite. In my dreams your heart is mine and we are happy. When I'm dreaming, I don't have to ask you to fall, you've fallen.
I want to wrap my arms around you and hold you close to my heart. Rub your body gently and lovingly as you relax. Just fall and never be afraid to be hurt again, I'll catch you...I promise!
Let down your guard, open you heart, let your love out and trust that I won't hurt you. I've never had any intentions to hurt you, never would want to crush you, please just fall.
Give into the requests of my heart and let my love flow towards yours...just fall and let everything be ok. There's no questioning how I feel for you, you cause no regrets in me.
I've given up on trying to fight it, I've fallen for you. Putting a smile on your face causes me to fall over and over again. Having your arms around me makes everything ok.
I'm yours for as long as you keep me around, my heart belongs in your hands and I'll never go anywhere. When you sleep at nite, I am sending my love your way in hopes it'll return with your love.
With every day that goes by, I wait for the day that you will just open up yourself and you will just fall in love with me forever. Fingers crossed and heart on you, I want you to just fall... I'm here to catch you my darling... for now, and forever!


Love, Nikki

All that I wanna know....

What is it that I want to know? Well, really I want to know everything!
If you really want me to be myself...then let me expose some of that now.
The women who comment on ur FB page and the one who said "what's up baby"...Who are they? Are you friends with ur ex u left before me?
Does a female have ur heart still? Why are u commenting on Becky's page? Who's she? Jealous? Not so much, just want to know why u comment more on her pix than anything on my page...Maybe that's an ex of urs? That's what I was thinking. 99% of the friends I've noticed you adding, are females...do they like you? Should I be worried?...I'm afraid at times.

Who do you love? An ex? I'm sure ur heart still lays with someone, somewhere...if not, then how hard will it be for me to get it? Will I even be able to get it? Do you trust in me and believe that what I tell you is for real? When I say ur the only one I want and that I only want to make YOU happy n see YOU smile, feel YOUR arms around me and know YOUR love...do you believe me?

I have no idea how to prove to you that I'm all about you...I don't know how to break down ur barrier and get to your heart. Be myself? I try. Speak my mind? I've given some thought to that, but then when it comes to speaking my mind, I feel like I'm opening up myself to hurt and I'm terrified of being hurt anymore. When I say anything that involves emotion or feelings, your response could either make me smile, or make my chest hurt.

Suppose I was to say "I love you" and ur response was "whatever" or something other than the obvious response to that, my chest would hurt and I'd want to cry. When it comes to speaking my mind about my emotions or anything like that, I shut down. I have yet to figure out why I do. I get really scared and my heart pounds, my head is cluttered with so many things I should say and want to say, but I'm so terrified!

I want to tell you so many things. I want to tell you how you make me feel, things that bother me, what I want from you, what I want the future to be, how I am completely addicted to you, how I want you to touch me and make love to me....but everything gets blocked out. You have NO idea how amazing you are to me. You're like the perfect guy and I'm obssessed with trying to find the perfect path to your heart. Will I find it?

Sometimes I wonder if you think I'm not worth it. I think that if I truly let my real self out...you'd find something that causes you to leave, then I'd be crushed. Once I know for sure that you're not going anywhere, maybe I will open up. Right now? I'm not too sure I can open up because for 1, you're not even mine and it's killing me that I have noone to claim, yet my heart is stuck on you and I want you sooo fucking bad!

What does it really take to make you my man? That's something that I've been trying to figure out...obviously the things I've said and done haven't worked. OH, maybe I should release the hold I have on my guard and just expose my realness? Would that work?
OMG...You have no clue how bad I want to be with you...call you my man and open up completely to you. Talking about things is just so hard for me and I wish you were more understanding about why it's hard for me to talk. You make me feel like I'm a communication outcast and I'm the only person on Earth that can't speak their feelings.

The things you say sometimes, makes me feel like even if I did open up more, you'd shoot down my calm mood and make me feel like whatever I've said is worthless to you. I can't tell you that you are someone that causes me to smile for no reason or that you cause butterflies in my stomach, or that being with you is my version of being on cloud 9...I fear that you'll say something stupid and make me feel like you don't even care.

Maybe I'm overreacting, I probably am, but I am only speaking how I feel about it. I can write this blog and tell you anything you've ever wanted to know, but vocalizing it is the hardest thing I could ever have to do.
I've told you about my past...You know why I have issues with men... speaking to my guidance councelor didn't even work, she had me write down my feelings and she'd read them then talk to me and help me.

I don't think I'll ever find anyone that will be understanding of my oversensitive emotions and try to help me be more vocal. I crave that person that I can talk to endlessly and not feel like they are criticizing me or putting me down for my thoughts and feelings. I want to be able to say anything and not want to curl into a ball or cry afterwards. I desperately want that person to be you...I want to tell you any and everything.

I've written that I love you...guess that doesn't matter either, that's another thing I won't dare say in front of you. You love me? Nah... one day maybe...if I'm lucky enough to gain access to your heart, that place I want to reach so bad!

This post may not help you understand, but it gets things off my chest... You are the only person I want in my life, in my heart, and in my thoughts! When you believe in that and you open up ur heart to me, things will be a little easier for me.

I want to be able to tell you about a guy flirtin' wit me, without you feeling like I was flirting back. I want to be able to tell you how my day went and vent to you without feeling like you don't give two shits about what went on.


I have a ton of love for you in my heart...apparently you knocked down enough walls to get there...but the communication thing is a little harder to do. You are the man I desire and noone else will take your place! You have me, my heart is yours... Please take it, own it, cherish it, and love it!

When I think about you and how your smile brightens up even the darkest of skies, I tell myself "today I will tell him how I feel"...but then I clam up and I'm afraid to be hurt... to fall flat on my face and only have you laughing at me. I fear that I'm falling down a well that has no end...I'm free falling and desperately waiting for you to catch me.

You seem to know some about my past... I don't know how, nor do I care because you are still coming around. All I care about is the future with you...assuming you'll be in my future for a while.

How is it that someone can make me smile so easily and put me in this exhilarating mood that makes me question which way is up and which is down? Who the hell threw me into a vortex of bliss? I'm infatuated, I'm obsessed, I'm addicted...completely intoxicated by you.

When I text you, I get upset when you don't answer me back in a few minutes...the only time I am forgiving of it, is when you're at work. When you are out with friends, or running around, or doing whatever, I feel like I'm being ignored and I'm annoyed. I guess it's because I check my phone constantly hoping to see that you've texted me and know that I'm on your mind as much as you're on mine. But could you really think of me 24 hours a day like I do with you?

My thoughts are never burnt out of thoughts of you. I wake up with you on my mind, and before I go to bed all I can think about is you. You are in my dreams, you're in my prayers, you're in my life in every way that you possibly can be right now. I don't know if I could express these things to you in a verbal conversation and feel like I've made a good choice. I feel like it's too much, too soon...atleast for you.

I feel like my heart guided me to the point that I am now... my head keeps screaming at me to stop, but I can't. You just make me feel like there is a true happiness in the world and you are it. Sometimes I'm at a loss for words and I can't find anything else to say that would make you release your heart to me. Though I crave it!!

What can I do to make you see that you are the one I want and I'd give anything to have you loving me? I'm beginning to be lost on the ways to find your heart. If it's even available to own. I wonder if you've let go of the past loves and ready to love again. I cry sometimes because I think that meeting you, and falling the way I did...I was stupid. You are just so damn perfect in so many ways and I couldn't help but begin to love the way you move, the way you smile, the way you make me feel...I love everything about you.

I crave love, I desire that feeling of being loved and calling someone my love. I've searched, I've failed. I've loved, and I've lost. You came into my life and I felt like love found me...but you don't love me... thought I lie to myself and I say "he doesn't have to say I love you, he shows that he loves me in some way because he does loving things".

If you told me you loved me, I would probably faint. You would put me into a state of shock. Being told that by you, I'd think that I've fallen into an alternate universe. I know you don't think so, but it's true, you really are so amazing and fit so well with me and my personality (minus my lack of speaking) that I'm addicted to you!


You and me..happy together...loving one another... atleast in my dreams its reality and my thoughts circle around loving you...when will you be loving me? I swear if I don't scare you off, or lose you in some way...You'll be loving me.


I'm done for now... hugs n kisses sweetheart.

Let's let the truth be known...

What do I want from you?
In all honesty, I want ur heart, but because of past issues, you've got it guarded! Here's a secret, mine is guarded as well, but after knowing you a lil better and knowing that you aint a lyin', cheatin', no-good dude...I trust in ur words and I let down most of my wall. I've still got some of it up, I aint gon lie...I aint tryin' to let myself be completely vunerable. Not atleast until I gain access to what I want.

I want to know that you are mine, that ur happy with me, that you love me. Wasn't it said that "you can't hurry love"? Yes, it may be true...but when all I see is ur face when I close my eyes, and when I wake up all I can think about is you and wonder how well ur sleeping and how much better it would be if I were sleeping next to you, holding you close to me and whispering sweet little things in ur ear and I'll never let you go. Have I said too much already?...


When I look into ur eyes, I find myself lost in another realm...it's like I've been carried away to a place where all that matters is to ensure ur happiness and hold on to you tightly n lovingly. I want to wrap my arms around you like ur a newborn child n love you endlessly until the day u slip away....slip away?...No I didn't mean that...I never, ever want you to slip away! Why not just rip my heart out and squish it. *sigh*

How did I allow myself to forget all the barriers that I built for situations like this? How could I be so careless and let my walls come down so easily?... I blame you...yes, you! Because if you didn't always seem to have the perfect responses to things I ask, and ur voice, ur laughter, ur smile...ur everything, wasn't so damn sexy, amazing, n loving...I wouldn't have fallen like this! Last time I fell like this, ... probably when I was 16...young n stupid then, now I'm 10 years older, know better than to allow myself to fall for someone who hasn't even fallen for me, much less, isn't even my man yet.

Have I lost control? Maybe, but the thoughts of you that circle my head every minute of every day keep me from going insane. When I'm mad, I think of you and I'm calm. When I'm upset, ur smile soothes me. How did you find your way into me so deep so easily?? You made it clear in the beginning that we arent together...you said you "don't know where this relationship is gonna go yet"...so what the hell was I thinking, allowing this situation I've gotten stuck in to happen??

If I could tell you something face to face without clamming up..I'd tell u that U are the MOST wonderful, most amazing, truly outstanding guy I have ever met and my intentions are to gain ur heart and hold onto it tight...never letting go! It's quite possible that U think I'm full of it...I don't blame you really. I do know though, that you are like me (in some ways) and U want to be loved and cared for just as I do. I couldn't bear to cause you pain...What benefit would I receive from it?

Seeing a majestic smile spread across ur face is something I take great pride in doing. When I make you laugh, all I can do is smile because I've brought joy to your heart. If ur arms are around me, I close my eyes and I think that there's no place on earth that could be more perfect than where I am at that moment! You move me in ways no man on this planet that I have ever come across has been able to do...yet u don't realize what you've even done to me...do you?

The only way I can explain this...is that my heart is tellin' me that ur the person to allow myself to open up to and just fall...free falling til the world ends...but then my head says I've gone insane and I shouldn't be even allowing u to make me this way. Which do I choose tho? If falling would only cause me pain...I'd choose my head..and if my head would cause me to lose u in the end...I'd choose my heart. Either way I'd be broken without u, so I must let u know that U are what I want!

In every way, from head to toe, inside and out...all ur flaws and quirks, ur asshole moods to ur sweetheart actions, I want you! I want ur heart, I want ur mind, body n soul... There's great risk involved in writing this...I am aware of that. Yet for some reason, u make me want to take it. I was urs from day one...never did I let u know this...but u hugged me the 1st day we met...I don't know what that feeling was, but It changed me. I tried so hard to get u off my mind...thinking u weren't any better than any other man I've met..it didn't work.

Since that day, no matter what I've done, you were the focus of my thoughts...the reason a smile would spread across my face for no apparent reason. When ur name is mentioned, all I could do was look down and blush. To see ur face is like winning the lottery when everything seems to have gone wrong. Ur so much to me, yet verbally I couldn't ever tell you this. I have wanted to...but the thoughts wont come and my voice is lost.

How did you get me this way? I've allowed myself to become vunerable and at risk for being shattered again...yet ur not even in my possession. I worry sometimes that another person has ur heart...maybe they do...but I can't help but want it in my possession and take care of it. I wanna take care of YOU...haven't I shown that yet? Haven't I made you see that I am here to make you happy and be happy with you?

There are so many times when I look at you and I want to grab u close n squeeze you against my body, kiss your lips so deep n passionate that you couldn't ever think of another person again. But, then I doubt myself n wonder if I could do that. I want to wrap my arms around you, holding you close and give you all the love and comfort that you could ask for.

I want to tell you that being around you is such a blissful feeling, that having sex with you...doesn't even matter. (wow...I said that?...) Well, I do want to, and geeeeez I'm dying to...but it's not something that I even spend time with you with the intentions of doing. I just love to be in ur company and laugh with you. I've fallen...I'm pretty sure I have...fallen for you.

Did I make a mistake?...Did I do this too soon?...How could I have stopped myself?... Would it matter if I had or hadn't anyway?... There are no answer to this because you don't even know how I feel. I wouldn't tell you if my life depended on it for the fear of being dropped...flat on my face! You are guarded, and I'm left out in the open with my heart reaching out for you to grab it...holding on forever until the day I'm 6ft under.

I know one day these words will be read...I know that I've taken a huge risk of even allowing you to know about this blog and have an insight into my soul because my written words are more honest than my verbal ones. I'm sorry I don't have good communication skills and that when I'm around you my voice is lost. I'm trying to do better, if you stay around, I'll learn to do better. I need to know that you're not going to hurt me. Know that when I voice my emotions, u won't shoot them down and hurt my feelings..U know that's easy to do. :(

Have you noticed that I've written all this....and still have yet to say what my heart keeps telling me to say?... Guess I can't even find the courage to write it... What the hell would happen if I did? Either you'd run away, or you'd be mine...right? I don't trust in that enough to attempt this kind of pitfall! I'm wrapped up tight in this strange emotion that I can't even explain correctly and yet I can't say it?

Where the hell are the rules and regulations on this subject? Am I missing something? Maybe it's because I've never been taught how to handle this, never been educated on the ways to express myself properly, never had the opportunity to show this emotion without feeling like I was wrong or made a mistake. But you...you've managed to find a strange hole in my wall and wiggle ur way through, blinding me to anything else I have known.

What happened to the old me that said "noone will break me and noone will make me feel like I'm a helpless little kitten again"...I've lost that! You came along and all of a sudden, I turned back into that kitten...looking for love and tenderness from you. Looking to be protected, to learn n grow with you. *sigh* I've lost my mind..I'm fairly sure of it. But...so what... I've fallen in love...*gulp* (smacks head n wonders wtf just happened)...


At the risk of losing my strength and being curled into a fetal position with ur response to this post.. I said it... I said it sooner than I wanted to, and in a way that I wasn't supposed to...because I wanted to hear it from you before I allowed it to escape from my lips (or fingers...whatever)... but...don't u take risks for love? I suppose you do, so here's my risk, with all I have on the line. You now know more about me than you were supposed to at this point and time.

You are perfect...I still have yet to find a flaw in you... maybe I've seen em, yet I can't acknowledge them because in my eyes you are absolutely perfect! You are the person who makes everything better and makes rainy days sunny for me. Nothing could ever cause me to frown as long as you are there beside me, nothing could cause me pain as long as ur arms are around me.




I feel like I should delete this whole thing and forget I had ever written it...But... Where's the gain if u don't take risks. You literally have the ball in ur court now...remember I told you that before? Now, you hold so much more than just that...lol
I'm sooo not gonna feel comfortable looking at ur gorgeous face now without feeling like I should just cry or hide in a corner... I can't remain the same "me" if u have this knowledge and nothing to put in return... See how careless I've become? I'm like a deer in the middle of the freeway just waiting to be killed!

I'm done now..I think I've expressed enough for one nite...probably enough for a lifetime now! Goodnite, I love you...no matter what direction this take me in, you will still be the cause of my smiles and remain the man in my heart until I die.

With love and devotion,

Yours truly, Nikki