What am I doing....?

What don't you like about relationships?
restrictions and constant questions

:-/ ok thanks
What?

You basically just said we'll never be a couple...

What the hell am I doing?... Why am I even pursuing someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship? I thought it was because he makes me feel so fucking wonderful inside and out..or because when he smiles my heart stops and I'm in a whole new world. Maybe it was because when he puts his arms around me I feel like I'm wrapped up with a warm cotton blanket on a freezing winter nite.

When I met him...I asked questions...tried to see if he'd be a good match for me. Guess I didn't ask the right ones. I woulda known sooner that he's not the one for me. Or is it the other way around? He wants someone who's gonna let him do as he pleases and not question his motives...? If he didn't want to be in a relationship...why did he even come at me? Were we supposed to just be cut friends? Am I just supposed to be here to give him a nut n move on? Why did I allow this to happen?

I accepted this behavior because the feeling of being around him and the unexplainable feelings he gives me, the awesome emotions he causes...that smile that he can't turn into a frown even if he tried! But the mistake in all this? Not that I succumb to his requests more often than I should...not that he doesn't spend much time with me...No..the mistake is that I was the stupid one who fell in love. In love with his voice when he's speaking about anything he feels like talking about. In love with his smile when it spreads across his face..I fell in love with his touch because it sends a chill thru my body and all I can do is close my eyes and smile. I fell in love with the way he makes me smile and turn red when all he does is walk into the room.

I fell in love with someone who doesn't even return it, doesn't want it, and has no intention on even making an US happen.

There's things to do...ways to make a guy feel that he's really ready for a relationship with you...Atleast that's what Cosmopolitan says. I sit here and I'm depressed and I watch my tears fall because I feel like I'm a dumbass who's being lead into a deadend. I can't do this...I can't allow myself to continue to be dragged thru the splinters that are causing my heart to bleed. Why doesn't he want me? I thought I'd done things that made him happy... That's not enough? They say women don't want the guys who do them right, they leave em for the guy who abuses them...is the same true with guys? I do him right..I buy him things when I can, I give him love n affection... I'd do ANYTHING for him to make him happy and look what I get in return!!!!

I spoil you...you play me... doesn't sound fair in my book! But...Like I've said, THERE IS NOONE ON THIS PLANET THAT IS RIGHT FOR ME!!! He just proves it...cuz he's so fucking perfect and he's all I want...yet he doesn't want me. Improper Match yet again! Why do I try? Why do I keep falling weak when it comes to him? Why does he hurt me? When will this horrible karma end? I hate that this bullshit happens...Hate that I'm so easily smitten with guys... I hate that I let myself fall in love, hate that I even love at all! I hate that he's so fuckin' perfect! I hate that he knows what I want and denies me to my face! I'm done with this insanity...done with being hurt like this and done with being the fool!

I love you..you know I do...I can't continue to be pulled in a direction I don't even want to go in... I'd do anything for you! I try to help you, I feed you, please you, love you, spoil you, and I crave you!.. In return...I get the short end of the stick and I can't do this anymore!


Why do you let me sit here and tell you that I love you and I'd do anything to make you happy, while you sit there and smile, say "aww", and deny a relationship to me? Why do you sit there and say "I like you alot and I enjoy spending time with you", when we hardly even spend time together!?

When I am sad and when I'm crying, you are the first person I think about that can even put a smile on my face. Then, when I think about you and how much I care for you, the life I want with you..then I'm crying again because I spend time with you once or twice a month. I feel like I don't mean a whole lot to you and you'd be perfectly fine without me in your life.

How can you wake up and go to sleep at nite knowing that someone in this world is willing to give you anything you could ask for within reason, love you unconditionally, comfort you, support you, be there for you....and you keep them at arms length..so easily??

How come your heart seems to be lost?... Your past must have kept it...I wish it was here. I wish it was with me, loving me. I don't even see that you want to or even have intentions on doing so. You do things for me...but not for US! When do you want to spend time with me? Every few weeks doesnt work for me...when I do see it, it's for a ride home...a visit...or a lift to pick up things at wal-mart...Why don't you ask me to go out more? Why don't you come see me on your days off?? Why am I the last thing on your list of things to do??

I feel like we are nothing but friends with benefits...and I'M not getting any damn benefits!!!

I have needs just as you do...I want to feel all the things I've given to you...but it doesn't happen...why am I LAST??

Why can't you show me what I mean to you? Why can't you open yourself up and tell me that you want to be with me & love me? Why can't you realize that you have a damn good woman here to be anything you need...yet you push me aside!!

How long can I sit here and be your side toy...sitting here wondering if you have another woman you love, wondering why you go hours without txtn me, we never talk on the phone, never even attempt a call...wondering why you say "if you want to stop talking I understand, but I wouldn't recommend it"... wondering why I should even open MYSELF up to you and you can't open yourself to me. Wondering why my heart tells me that I should stay and wait for you, but your heart is nowhere to be found. I'm wondering why I love you so fuckin' much, but my love is the only love being expressed...wondering why you don't kiss me the way I want, or touch me how I want...wondering why I am standing here alone and you are fine with it! You said you care...but you've got to show me!! Why don't you show me?...

Please help me to understand why I'm here, alone,...after months of trying... you pursued ME...not the other way around. So why the fuck don't you want to be more than friends???? In the beginning would have been a NICE time to tell me this...
I am trapped..alone in this world...noone to love me...noone to accept my heart...noone to call my own... no man, no love, no relationship. AND YOU ARE OK WITH THIS??

Love me or leave me... I can't take this shit! You don't realize what stands infront of you, or you just don't care! Find you heart, let me cherish it, Find your emotions, let me feel them...Or step back and let me find what Im looking for!

And while I've got my mind on it...since you and I are NOT together, does this also mean that I can hangout with whom I wish, and fuck whoever I want?...Hmm... does that also mean that I should be fine with you chillin' wit females and fuckin' them?.. If that's the case, don't bother with me any longer... I want YOU! ONLY YOU, LAMONT FRASIER!!! Pleasseeeee realize this before it's too late...this is killing me and it gets harder and harder as the days go by!

I love you! I love you more than you even know! My heart is yours, I am yours...but I have nothing in return and it pisses me off!!