I think about you and I want to tell you to just fall. Just fall into my arms and let me hold you endlessly til our lives end. Fall and never regret it, embrace it and let me love you.
I see your face and inside, I'm screaming to your soul to let loose and just fall for me. Seeing you smile makes me fall, I fall everytime it spreads across your face. I fall everytime your arms wrap around me and I feel like the world stopped around me.
Just fall and leave the past where it is, look toward the future and just fall into my heart. Amazingly you put a smile on my face which not many people get to see, much less have the ability to do.
Thoughts of you run through my head all times of the day and nite. In my dreams your heart is mine and we are happy. When I'm dreaming, I don't have to ask you to fall, you've fallen.
I want to wrap my arms around you and hold you close to my heart. Rub your body gently and lovingly as you relax. Just fall and never be afraid to be hurt again, I'll catch you...I promise!
Let down your guard, open you heart, let your love out and trust that I won't hurt you. I've never had any intentions to hurt you, never would want to crush you, please just fall.
Give into the requests of my heart and let my love flow towards yours...just fall and let everything be ok. There's no questioning how I feel for you, you cause no regrets in me.
I've given up on trying to fight it, I've fallen for you. Putting a smile on your face causes me to fall over and over again. Having your arms around me makes everything ok.
I'm yours for as long as you keep me around, my heart belongs in your hands and I'll never go anywhere. When you sleep at nite, I am sending my love your way in hopes it'll return with your love.
With every day that goes by, I wait for the day that you will just open up yourself and you will just fall in love with me forever. Fingers crossed and heart on you, I want you to just fall... I'm here to catch you my darling... for now, and forever!
Love, Nikki
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
All that I wanna know....
What is it that I want to know? Well, really I want to know everything!
If you really want me to be myself...then let me expose some of that now.
The women who comment on ur FB page and the one who said "what's up baby"...Who are they? Are you friends with ur ex u left before me?
Does a female have ur heart still? Why are u commenting on Becky's page? Who's she? Jealous? Not so much, just want to know why u comment more on her pix than anything on my page...Maybe that's an ex of urs? That's what I was thinking. 99% of the friends I've noticed you adding, are females...do they like you? Should I be worried?...I'm afraid at times.
Who do you love? An ex? I'm sure ur heart still lays with someone, somewhere...if not, then how hard will it be for me to get it? Will I even be able to get it? Do you trust in me and believe that what I tell you is for real? When I say ur the only one I want and that I only want to make YOU happy n see YOU smile, feel YOUR arms around me and know YOUR love...do you believe me?
I have no idea how to prove to you that I'm all about you...I don't know how to break down ur barrier and get to your heart. Be myself? I try. Speak my mind? I've given some thought to that, but then when it comes to speaking my mind, I feel like I'm opening up myself to hurt and I'm terrified of being hurt anymore. When I say anything that involves emotion or feelings, your response could either make me smile, or make my chest hurt.
Suppose I was to say "I love you" and ur response was "whatever" or something other than the obvious response to that, my chest would hurt and I'd want to cry. When it comes to speaking my mind about my emotions or anything like that, I shut down. I have yet to figure out why I do. I get really scared and my heart pounds, my head is cluttered with so many things I should say and want to say, but I'm so terrified!
I want to tell you so many things. I want to tell you how you make me feel, things that bother me, what I want from you, what I want the future to be, how I am completely addicted to you, how I want you to touch me and make love to me....but everything gets blocked out. You have NO idea how amazing you are to me. You're like the perfect guy and I'm obssessed with trying to find the perfect path to your heart. Will I find it?
Sometimes I wonder if you think I'm not worth it. I think that if I truly let my real self out...you'd find something that causes you to leave, then I'd be crushed. Once I know for sure that you're not going anywhere, maybe I will open up. Right now? I'm not too sure I can open up because for 1, you're not even mine and it's killing me that I have noone to claim, yet my heart is stuck on you and I want you sooo fucking bad!
What does it really take to make you my man? That's something that I've been trying to figure out...obviously the things I've said and done haven't worked. OH, maybe I should release the hold I have on my guard and just expose my realness? Would that work?
OMG...You have no clue how bad I want to be with you...call you my man and open up completely to you. Talking about things is just so hard for me and I wish you were more understanding about why it's hard for me to talk. You make me feel like I'm a communication outcast and I'm the only person on Earth that can't speak their feelings.
The things you say sometimes, makes me feel like even if I did open up more, you'd shoot down my calm mood and make me feel like whatever I've said is worthless to you. I can't tell you that you are someone that causes me to smile for no reason or that you cause butterflies in my stomach, or that being with you is my version of being on cloud 9...I fear that you'll say something stupid and make me feel like you don't even care.
Maybe I'm overreacting, I probably am, but I am only speaking how I feel about it. I can write this blog and tell you anything you've ever wanted to know, but vocalizing it is the hardest thing I could ever have to do.
I've told you about my past...You know why I have issues with men... speaking to my guidance councelor didn't even work, she had me write down my feelings and she'd read them then talk to me and help me.
I don't think I'll ever find anyone that will be understanding of my oversensitive emotions and try to help me be more vocal. I crave that person that I can talk to endlessly and not feel like they are criticizing me or putting me down for my thoughts and feelings. I want to be able to say anything and not want to curl into a ball or cry afterwards. I desperately want that person to be you...I want to tell you any and everything.
I've written that I love you...guess that doesn't matter either, that's another thing I won't dare say in front of you. You love me? Nah... one day maybe...if I'm lucky enough to gain access to your heart, that place I want to reach so bad!
This post may not help you understand, but it gets things off my chest... You are the only person I want in my life, in my heart, and in my thoughts! When you believe in that and you open up ur heart to me, things will be a little easier for me.
I want to be able to tell you about a guy flirtin' wit me, without you feeling like I was flirting back. I want to be able to tell you how my day went and vent to you without feeling like you don't give two shits about what went on.
I have a ton of love for you in my heart...apparently you knocked down enough walls to get there...but the communication thing is a little harder to do. You are the man I desire and noone else will take your place! You have me, my heart is yours... Please take it, own it, cherish it, and love it!
When I think about you and how your smile brightens up even the darkest of skies, I tell myself "today I will tell him how I feel"...but then I clam up and I'm afraid to be hurt... to fall flat on my face and only have you laughing at me. I fear that I'm falling down a well that has no end...I'm free falling and desperately waiting for you to catch me.
You seem to know some about my past... I don't know how, nor do I care because you are still coming around. All I care about is the future with you...assuming you'll be in my future for a while.
How is it that someone can make me smile so easily and put me in this exhilarating mood that makes me question which way is up and which is down? Who the hell threw me into a vortex of bliss? I'm infatuated, I'm obsessed, I'm addicted...completely intoxicated by you.
When I text you, I get upset when you don't answer me back in a few minutes...the only time I am forgiving of it, is when you're at work. When you are out with friends, or running around, or doing whatever, I feel like I'm being ignored and I'm annoyed. I guess it's because I check my phone constantly hoping to see that you've texted me and know that I'm on your mind as much as you're on mine. But could you really think of me 24 hours a day like I do with you?
My thoughts are never burnt out of thoughts of you. I wake up with you on my mind, and before I go to bed all I can think about is you. You are in my dreams, you're in my prayers, you're in my life in every way that you possibly can be right now. I don't know if I could express these things to you in a verbal conversation and feel like I've made a good choice. I feel like it's too much, too soon...atleast for you.
I feel like my heart guided me to the point that I am now... my head keeps screaming at me to stop, but I can't. You just make me feel like there is a true happiness in the world and you are it. Sometimes I'm at a loss for words and I can't find anything else to say that would make you release your heart to me. Though I crave it!!
What can I do to make you see that you are the one I want and I'd give anything to have you loving me? I'm beginning to be lost on the ways to find your heart. If it's even available to own. I wonder if you've let go of the past loves and ready to love again. I cry sometimes because I think that meeting you, and falling the way I did...I was stupid. You are just so damn perfect in so many ways and I couldn't help but begin to love the way you move, the way you smile, the way you make me feel...I love everything about you.
I crave love, I desire that feeling of being loved and calling someone my love. I've searched, I've failed. I've loved, and I've lost. You came into my life and I felt like love found me...but you don't love me... thought I lie to myself and I say "he doesn't have to say I love you, he shows that he loves me in some way because he does loving things".
If you told me you loved me, I would probably faint. You would put me into a state of shock. Being told that by you, I'd think that I've fallen into an alternate universe. I know you don't think so, but it's true, you really are so amazing and fit so well with me and my personality (minus my lack of speaking) that I'm addicted to you!
You and me..happy together...loving one another... atleast in my dreams its reality and my thoughts circle around loving you...when will you be loving me? I swear if I don't scare you off, or lose you in some way...You'll be loving me.
I'm done for now... hugs n kisses sweetheart.
If you really want me to be myself...then let me expose some of that now.
The women who comment on ur FB page and the one who said "what's up baby"...Who are they? Are you friends with ur ex u left before me?
Does a female have ur heart still? Why are u commenting on Becky's page? Who's she? Jealous? Not so much, just want to know why u comment more on her pix than anything on my page...Maybe that's an ex of urs? That's what I was thinking. 99% of the friends I've noticed you adding, are females...do they like you? Should I be worried?...I'm afraid at times.
Who do you love? An ex? I'm sure ur heart still lays with someone, somewhere...if not, then how hard will it be for me to get it? Will I even be able to get it? Do you trust in me and believe that what I tell you is for real? When I say ur the only one I want and that I only want to make YOU happy n see YOU smile, feel YOUR arms around me and know YOUR love...do you believe me?
I have no idea how to prove to you that I'm all about you...I don't know how to break down ur barrier and get to your heart. Be myself? I try. Speak my mind? I've given some thought to that, but then when it comes to speaking my mind, I feel like I'm opening up myself to hurt and I'm terrified of being hurt anymore. When I say anything that involves emotion or feelings, your response could either make me smile, or make my chest hurt.
Suppose I was to say "I love you" and ur response was "whatever" or something other than the obvious response to that, my chest would hurt and I'd want to cry. When it comes to speaking my mind about my emotions or anything like that, I shut down. I have yet to figure out why I do. I get really scared and my heart pounds, my head is cluttered with so many things I should say and want to say, but I'm so terrified!
I want to tell you so many things. I want to tell you how you make me feel, things that bother me, what I want from you, what I want the future to be, how I am completely addicted to you, how I want you to touch me and make love to me....but everything gets blocked out. You have NO idea how amazing you are to me. You're like the perfect guy and I'm obssessed with trying to find the perfect path to your heart. Will I find it?
Sometimes I wonder if you think I'm not worth it. I think that if I truly let my real self out...you'd find something that causes you to leave, then I'd be crushed. Once I know for sure that you're not going anywhere, maybe I will open up. Right now? I'm not too sure I can open up because for 1, you're not even mine and it's killing me that I have noone to claim, yet my heart is stuck on you and I want you sooo fucking bad!
What does it really take to make you my man? That's something that I've been trying to figure out...obviously the things I've said and done haven't worked. OH, maybe I should release the hold I have on my guard and just expose my realness? Would that work?
OMG...You have no clue how bad I want to be with you...call you my man and open up completely to you. Talking about things is just so hard for me and I wish you were more understanding about why it's hard for me to talk. You make me feel like I'm a communication outcast and I'm the only person on Earth that can't speak their feelings.
The things you say sometimes, makes me feel like even if I did open up more, you'd shoot down my calm mood and make me feel like whatever I've said is worthless to you. I can't tell you that you are someone that causes me to smile for no reason or that you cause butterflies in my stomach, or that being with you is my version of being on cloud 9...I fear that you'll say something stupid and make me feel like you don't even care.
Maybe I'm overreacting, I probably am, but I am only speaking how I feel about it. I can write this blog and tell you anything you've ever wanted to know, but vocalizing it is the hardest thing I could ever have to do.
I've told you about my past...You know why I have issues with men... speaking to my guidance councelor didn't even work, she had me write down my feelings and she'd read them then talk to me and help me.
I don't think I'll ever find anyone that will be understanding of my oversensitive emotions and try to help me be more vocal. I crave that person that I can talk to endlessly and not feel like they are criticizing me or putting me down for my thoughts and feelings. I want to be able to say anything and not want to curl into a ball or cry afterwards. I desperately want that person to be you...I want to tell you any and everything.
I've written that I love you...guess that doesn't matter either, that's another thing I won't dare say in front of you. You love me? Nah... one day maybe...if I'm lucky enough to gain access to your heart, that place I want to reach so bad!
This post may not help you understand, but it gets things off my chest... You are the only person I want in my life, in my heart, and in my thoughts! When you believe in that and you open up ur heart to me, things will be a little easier for me.
I want to be able to tell you about a guy flirtin' wit me, without you feeling like I was flirting back. I want to be able to tell you how my day went and vent to you without feeling like you don't give two shits about what went on.
I have a ton of love for you in my heart...apparently you knocked down enough walls to get there...but the communication thing is a little harder to do. You are the man I desire and noone else will take your place! You have me, my heart is yours... Please take it, own it, cherish it, and love it!
When I think about you and how your smile brightens up even the darkest of skies, I tell myself "today I will tell him how I feel"...but then I clam up and I'm afraid to be hurt... to fall flat on my face and only have you laughing at me. I fear that I'm falling down a well that has no end...I'm free falling and desperately waiting for you to catch me.
You seem to know some about my past... I don't know how, nor do I care because you are still coming around. All I care about is the future with you...assuming you'll be in my future for a while.
How is it that someone can make me smile so easily and put me in this exhilarating mood that makes me question which way is up and which is down? Who the hell threw me into a vortex of bliss? I'm infatuated, I'm obsessed, I'm addicted...completely intoxicated by you.
When I text you, I get upset when you don't answer me back in a few minutes...the only time I am forgiving of it, is when you're at work. When you are out with friends, or running around, or doing whatever, I feel like I'm being ignored and I'm annoyed. I guess it's because I check my phone constantly hoping to see that you've texted me and know that I'm on your mind as much as you're on mine. But could you really think of me 24 hours a day like I do with you?
My thoughts are never burnt out of thoughts of you. I wake up with you on my mind, and before I go to bed all I can think about is you. You are in my dreams, you're in my prayers, you're in my life in every way that you possibly can be right now. I don't know if I could express these things to you in a verbal conversation and feel like I've made a good choice. I feel like it's too much, too soon...atleast for you.
I feel like my heart guided me to the point that I am now... my head keeps screaming at me to stop, but I can't. You just make me feel like there is a true happiness in the world and you are it. Sometimes I'm at a loss for words and I can't find anything else to say that would make you release your heart to me. Though I crave it!!
What can I do to make you see that you are the one I want and I'd give anything to have you loving me? I'm beginning to be lost on the ways to find your heart. If it's even available to own. I wonder if you've let go of the past loves and ready to love again. I cry sometimes because I think that meeting you, and falling the way I did...I was stupid. You are just so damn perfect in so many ways and I couldn't help but begin to love the way you move, the way you smile, the way you make me feel...I love everything about you.
I crave love, I desire that feeling of being loved and calling someone my love. I've searched, I've failed. I've loved, and I've lost. You came into my life and I felt like love found me...but you don't love me... thought I lie to myself and I say "he doesn't have to say I love you, he shows that he loves me in some way because he does loving things".
If you told me you loved me, I would probably faint. You would put me into a state of shock. Being told that by you, I'd think that I've fallen into an alternate universe. I know you don't think so, but it's true, you really are so amazing and fit so well with me and my personality (minus my lack of speaking) that I'm addicted to you!
You and me..happy together...loving one another... atleast in my dreams its reality and my thoughts circle around loving you...when will you be loving me? I swear if I don't scare you off, or lose you in some way...You'll be loving me.
I'm done for now... hugs n kisses sweetheart.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Let's let the truth be known...
What do I want from you?
In all honesty, I want ur heart, but because of past issues, you've got it guarded! Here's a secret, mine is guarded as well, but after knowing you a lil better and knowing that you aint a lyin', cheatin', no-good dude...I trust in ur words and I let down most of my wall. I've still got some of it up, I aint gon lie...I aint tryin' to let myself be completely vunerable. Not atleast until I gain access to what I want.
I want to know that you are mine, that ur happy with me, that you love me. Wasn't it said that "you can't hurry love"? Yes, it may be true...but when all I see is ur face when I close my eyes, and when I wake up all I can think about is you and wonder how well ur sleeping and how much better it would be if I were sleeping next to you, holding you close to me and whispering sweet little things in ur ear and I'll never let you go. Have I said too much already?...
When I look into ur eyes, I find myself lost in another realm...it's like I've been carried away to a place where all that matters is to ensure ur happiness and hold on to you tightly n lovingly. I want to wrap my arms around you like ur a newborn child n love you endlessly until the day u slip away....slip away?...No I didn't mean that...I never, ever want you to slip away! Why not just rip my heart out and squish it. *sigh*
How did I allow myself to forget all the barriers that I built for situations like this? How could I be so careless and let my walls come down so easily?... I blame you...yes, you! Because if you didn't always seem to have the perfect responses to things I ask, and ur voice, ur laughter, ur smile...ur everything, wasn't so damn sexy, amazing, n loving...I wouldn't have fallen like this! Last time I fell like this, ... probably when I was 16...young n stupid then, now I'm 10 years older, know better than to allow myself to fall for someone who hasn't even fallen for me, much less, isn't even my man yet.
Have I lost control? Maybe, but the thoughts of you that circle my head every minute of every day keep me from going insane. When I'm mad, I think of you and I'm calm. When I'm upset, ur smile soothes me. How did you find your way into me so deep so easily?? You made it clear in the beginning that we arent together...you said you "don't know where this relationship is gonna go yet"...so what the hell was I thinking, allowing this situation I've gotten stuck in to happen??
If I could tell you something face to face without clamming up..I'd tell u that U are the MOST wonderful, most amazing, truly outstanding guy I have ever met and my intentions are to gain ur heart and hold onto it tight...never letting go! It's quite possible that U think I'm full of it...I don't blame you really. I do know though, that you are like me (in some ways) and U want to be loved and cared for just as I do. I couldn't bear to cause you pain...What benefit would I receive from it?
Seeing a majestic smile spread across ur face is something I take great pride in doing. When I make you laugh, all I can do is smile because I've brought joy to your heart. If ur arms are around me, I close my eyes and I think that there's no place on earth that could be more perfect than where I am at that moment! You move me in ways no man on this planet that I have ever come across has been able to do...yet u don't realize what you've even done to me...do you?
The only way I can explain this...is that my heart is tellin' me that ur the person to allow myself to open up to and just fall...free falling til the world ends...but then my head says I've gone insane and I shouldn't be even allowing u to make me this way. Which do I choose tho? If falling would only cause me pain...I'd choose my head..and if my head would cause me to lose u in the end...I'd choose my heart. Either way I'd be broken without u, so I must let u know that U are what I want!
In every way, from head to toe, inside and out...all ur flaws and quirks, ur asshole moods to ur sweetheart actions, I want you! I want ur heart, I want ur mind, body n soul... There's great risk involved in writing this...I am aware of that. Yet for some reason, u make me want to take it. I was urs from day one...never did I let u know this...but u hugged me the 1st day we met...I don't know what that feeling was, but It changed me. I tried so hard to get u off my mind...thinking u weren't any better than any other man I've met..it didn't work.
Since that day, no matter what I've done, you were the focus of my thoughts...the reason a smile would spread across my face for no apparent reason. When ur name is mentioned, all I could do was look down and blush. To see ur face is like winning the lottery when everything seems to have gone wrong. Ur so much to me, yet verbally I couldn't ever tell you this. I have wanted to...but the thoughts wont come and my voice is lost.
How did you get me this way? I've allowed myself to become vunerable and at risk for being shattered again...yet ur not even in my possession. I worry sometimes that another person has ur heart...maybe they do...but I can't help but want it in my possession and take care of it. I wanna take care of YOU...haven't I shown that yet? Haven't I made you see that I am here to make you happy and be happy with you?
There are so many times when I look at you and I want to grab u close n squeeze you against my body, kiss your lips so deep n passionate that you couldn't ever think of another person again. But, then I doubt myself n wonder if I could do that. I want to wrap my arms around you, holding you close and give you all the love and comfort that you could ask for.
I want to tell you that being around you is such a blissful feeling, that having sex with you...doesn't even matter. (wow...I said that?...) Well, I do want to, and geeeeez I'm dying to...but it's not something that I even spend time with you with the intentions of doing. I just love to be in ur company and laugh with you. I've fallen...I'm pretty sure I have...fallen for you.
Did I make a mistake?...Did I do this too soon?...How could I have stopped myself?... Would it matter if I had or hadn't anyway?... There are no answer to this because you don't even know how I feel. I wouldn't tell you if my life depended on it for the fear of being dropped...flat on my face! You are guarded, and I'm left out in the open with my heart reaching out for you to grab it...holding on forever until the day I'm 6ft under.
I know one day these words will be read...I know that I've taken a huge risk of even allowing you to know about this blog and have an insight into my soul because my written words are more honest than my verbal ones. I'm sorry I don't have good communication skills and that when I'm around you my voice is lost. I'm trying to do better, if you stay around, I'll learn to do better. I need to know that you're not going to hurt me. Know that when I voice my emotions, u won't shoot them down and hurt my feelings..U know that's easy to do. :(
Have you noticed that I've written all this....and still have yet to say what my heart keeps telling me to say?... Guess I can't even find the courage to write it... What the hell would happen if I did? Either you'd run away, or you'd be mine...right? I don't trust in that enough to attempt this kind of pitfall! I'm wrapped up tight in this strange emotion that I can't even explain correctly and yet I can't say it?
Where the hell are the rules and regulations on this subject? Am I missing something? Maybe it's because I've never been taught how to handle this, never been educated on the ways to express myself properly, never had the opportunity to show this emotion without feeling like I was wrong or made a mistake. But you...you've managed to find a strange hole in my wall and wiggle ur way through, blinding me to anything else I have known.
What happened to the old me that said "noone will break me and noone will make me feel like I'm a helpless little kitten again"...I've lost that! You came along and all of a sudden, I turned back into that kitten...looking for love and tenderness from you. Looking to be protected, to learn n grow with you. *sigh* I've lost my mind..I'm fairly sure of it. But...so what... I've fallen in love...*gulp* (smacks head n wonders wtf just happened)...
At the risk of losing my strength and being curled into a fetal position with ur response to this post.. I said it... I said it sooner than I wanted to, and in a way that I wasn't supposed to...because I wanted to hear it from you before I allowed it to escape from my lips (or fingers...whatever)... but...don't u take risks for love? I suppose you do, so here's my risk, with all I have on the line. You now know more about me than you were supposed to at this point and time.
You are perfect...I still have yet to find a flaw in you... maybe I've seen em, yet I can't acknowledge them because in my eyes you are absolutely perfect! You are the person who makes everything better and makes rainy days sunny for me. Nothing could ever cause me to frown as long as you are there beside me, nothing could cause me pain as long as ur arms are around me.
I feel like I should delete this whole thing and forget I had ever written it...But... Where's the gain if u don't take risks. You literally have the ball in ur court now...remember I told you that before? Now, you hold so much more than just that...lol
I'm sooo not gonna feel comfortable looking at ur gorgeous face now without feeling like I should just cry or hide in a corner... I can't remain the same "me" if u have this knowledge and nothing to put in return... See how careless I've become? I'm like a deer in the middle of the freeway just waiting to be killed!
I'm done now..I think I've expressed enough for one nite...probably enough for a lifetime now! Goodnite, I love you...no matter what direction this take me in, you will still be the cause of my smiles and remain the man in my heart until I die.
With love and devotion,
Yours truly, Nikki
In all honesty, I want ur heart, but because of past issues, you've got it guarded! Here's a secret, mine is guarded as well, but after knowing you a lil better and knowing that you aint a lyin', cheatin', no-good dude...I trust in ur words and I let down most of my wall. I've still got some of it up, I aint gon lie...I aint tryin' to let myself be completely vunerable. Not atleast until I gain access to what I want.
I want to know that you are mine, that ur happy with me, that you love me. Wasn't it said that "you can't hurry love"? Yes, it may be true...but when all I see is ur face when I close my eyes, and when I wake up all I can think about is you and wonder how well ur sleeping and how much better it would be if I were sleeping next to you, holding you close to me and whispering sweet little things in ur ear and I'll never let you go. Have I said too much already?...
When I look into ur eyes, I find myself lost in another realm...it's like I've been carried away to a place where all that matters is to ensure ur happiness and hold on to you tightly n lovingly. I want to wrap my arms around you like ur a newborn child n love you endlessly until the day u slip away....slip away?...No I didn't mean that...I never, ever want you to slip away! Why not just rip my heart out and squish it. *sigh*
How did I allow myself to forget all the barriers that I built for situations like this? How could I be so careless and let my walls come down so easily?... I blame you...yes, you! Because if you didn't always seem to have the perfect responses to things I ask, and ur voice, ur laughter, ur smile...ur everything, wasn't so damn sexy, amazing, n loving...I wouldn't have fallen like this! Last time I fell like this, ... probably when I was 16...young n stupid then, now I'm 10 years older, know better than to allow myself to fall for someone who hasn't even fallen for me, much less, isn't even my man yet.
Have I lost control? Maybe, but the thoughts of you that circle my head every minute of every day keep me from going insane. When I'm mad, I think of you and I'm calm. When I'm upset, ur smile soothes me. How did you find your way into me so deep so easily?? You made it clear in the beginning that we arent together...you said you "don't know where this relationship is gonna go yet"...so what the hell was I thinking, allowing this situation I've gotten stuck in to happen??
If I could tell you something face to face without clamming up..I'd tell u that U are the MOST wonderful, most amazing, truly outstanding guy I have ever met and my intentions are to gain ur heart and hold onto it tight...never letting go! It's quite possible that U think I'm full of it...I don't blame you really. I do know though, that you are like me (in some ways) and U want to be loved and cared for just as I do. I couldn't bear to cause you pain...What benefit would I receive from it?
Seeing a majestic smile spread across ur face is something I take great pride in doing. When I make you laugh, all I can do is smile because I've brought joy to your heart. If ur arms are around me, I close my eyes and I think that there's no place on earth that could be more perfect than where I am at that moment! You move me in ways no man on this planet that I have ever come across has been able to do...yet u don't realize what you've even done to me...do you?
The only way I can explain this...is that my heart is tellin' me that ur the person to allow myself to open up to and just fall...free falling til the world ends...but then my head says I've gone insane and I shouldn't be even allowing u to make me this way. Which do I choose tho? If falling would only cause me pain...I'd choose my head..and if my head would cause me to lose u in the end...I'd choose my heart. Either way I'd be broken without u, so I must let u know that U are what I want!
In every way, from head to toe, inside and out...all ur flaws and quirks, ur asshole moods to ur sweetheart actions, I want you! I want ur heart, I want ur mind, body n soul... There's great risk involved in writing this...I am aware of that. Yet for some reason, u make me want to take it. I was urs from day one...never did I let u know this...but u hugged me the 1st day we met...I don't know what that feeling was, but It changed me. I tried so hard to get u off my mind...thinking u weren't any better than any other man I've met..it didn't work.
Since that day, no matter what I've done, you were the focus of my thoughts...the reason a smile would spread across my face for no apparent reason. When ur name is mentioned, all I could do was look down and blush. To see ur face is like winning the lottery when everything seems to have gone wrong. Ur so much to me, yet verbally I couldn't ever tell you this. I have wanted to...but the thoughts wont come and my voice is lost.
How did you get me this way? I've allowed myself to become vunerable and at risk for being shattered again...yet ur not even in my possession. I worry sometimes that another person has ur heart...maybe they do...but I can't help but want it in my possession and take care of it. I wanna take care of YOU...haven't I shown that yet? Haven't I made you see that I am here to make you happy and be happy with you?
There are so many times when I look at you and I want to grab u close n squeeze you against my body, kiss your lips so deep n passionate that you couldn't ever think of another person again. But, then I doubt myself n wonder if I could do that. I want to wrap my arms around you, holding you close and give you all the love and comfort that you could ask for.
I want to tell you that being around you is such a blissful feeling, that having sex with you...doesn't even matter. (wow...I said that?...) Well, I do want to, and geeeeez I'm dying to...but it's not something that I even spend time with you with the intentions of doing. I just love to be in ur company and laugh with you. I've fallen...I'm pretty sure I have...fallen for you.
Did I make a mistake?...Did I do this too soon?...How could I have stopped myself?... Would it matter if I had or hadn't anyway?... There are no answer to this because you don't even know how I feel. I wouldn't tell you if my life depended on it for the fear of being dropped...flat on my face! You are guarded, and I'm left out in the open with my heart reaching out for you to grab it...holding on forever until the day I'm 6ft under.
I know one day these words will be read...I know that I've taken a huge risk of even allowing you to know about this blog and have an insight into my soul because my written words are more honest than my verbal ones. I'm sorry I don't have good communication skills and that when I'm around you my voice is lost. I'm trying to do better, if you stay around, I'll learn to do better. I need to know that you're not going to hurt me. Know that when I voice my emotions, u won't shoot them down and hurt my feelings..U know that's easy to do. :(
Have you noticed that I've written all this....and still have yet to say what my heart keeps telling me to say?... Guess I can't even find the courage to write it... What the hell would happen if I did? Either you'd run away, or you'd be mine...right? I don't trust in that enough to attempt this kind of pitfall! I'm wrapped up tight in this strange emotion that I can't even explain correctly and yet I can't say it?
Where the hell are the rules and regulations on this subject? Am I missing something? Maybe it's because I've never been taught how to handle this, never been educated on the ways to express myself properly, never had the opportunity to show this emotion without feeling like I was wrong or made a mistake. But you...you've managed to find a strange hole in my wall and wiggle ur way through, blinding me to anything else I have known.
What happened to the old me that said "noone will break me and noone will make me feel like I'm a helpless little kitten again"...I've lost that! You came along and all of a sudden, I turned back into that kitten...looking for love and tenderness from you. Looking to be protected, to learn n grow with you. *sigh* I've lost my mind..I'm fairly sure of it. But...so what... I've fallen in love...*gulp* (smacks head n wonders wtf just happened)...
At the risk of losing my strength and being curled into a fetal position with ur response to this post.. I said it... I said it sooner than I wanted to, and in a way that I wasn't supposed to...because I wanted to hear it from you before I allowed it to escape from my lips (or fingers...whatever)... but...don't u take risks for love? I suppose you do, so here's my risk, with all I have on the line. You now know more about me than you were supposed to at this point and time.
You are perfect...I still have yet to find a flaw in you... maybe I've seen em, yet I can't acknowledge them because in my eyes you are absolutely perfect! You are the person who makes everything better and makes rainy days sunny for me. Nothing could ever cause me to frown as long as you are there beside me, nothing could cause me pain as long as ur arms are around me.
I feel like I should delete this whole thing and forget I had ever written it...But... Where's the gain if u don't take risks. You literally have the ball in ur court now...remember I told you that before? Now, you hold so much more than just that...lol
I'm sooo not gonna feel comfortable looking at ur gorgeous face now without feeling like I should just cry or hide in a corner... I can't remain the same "me" if u have this knowledge and nothing to put in return... See how careless I've become? I'm like a deer in the middle of the freeway just waiting to be killed!
I'm done now..I think I've expressed enough for one nite...probably enough for a lifetime now! Goodnite, I love you...no matter what direction this take me in, you will still be the cause of my smiles and remain the man in my heart until I die.
With love and devotion,
Yours truly, Nikki
Friday, May 14, 2010
What is in a guys mind??
I see these pictures I took of the geese and the ducks next to my job and I think "aww how cute they are just swimming together and preening each other". It must be nice to know who your mate is and to be spending time with them frequently. I am not really sure how that feels...it seems there is noone on Earth who wants the things I want....atleast they don't show it to me. Sometimes when I sit and think about it, I wonder if I want too many things...but do I really? Let's go through a list of some of the things I want....
~ Someone to hold and give affection to without consequence of any sort for "smothering" them
~ Someone I can trust with any and all of my thoughts without fear of backlash, humiliation, embarrassment, or disregard for my feelings that are HIGHLY easily hurt
~ Someone to trust completely... say you went out to a club or a party at your friends house, a fine girl comes up and flirts with you and tries to get your number...should I be worried? Don't I treat you good enough? Does she have something I'm missing? Hmm...
~ A man that makes me feel good inside and out! That's something that's hard to do...
~ Someone that doesn't mind when I kiss them multiple times for no reason
~ A man that doesn't mind when I want to massage their shoulders because they look stressed or just because.
~ A man that wouldn't mind taking a hot shower with me and letting me wash them from head to toe
~ A man to let me cook for them and play video games with me even if I suck at most of them.
~ Someone that holds me when I'm sad or upset..or just because!
~ Someone that understands how hard it is for me to open up and be willing to verbally get my issues and thoughts out.
~ Someone that doesn't get frustrated with me when I say things that don't come out right because I'm not good with words and what I really want to say is "I love you and I'm afraid to lose you"
I think that maybe there's a guy out there that would be accepting of me and my flaws with not being able to voice my feelings well enough or my thoughts and emotions on things, but I damn sure can't find them. So, let's talk about this guy that I'm talking to currently. Since it's easier for me to voice things through typing than to verbally get them out...Let's be honest here!
This guy seems to me, that he's the greatest being ever created with the hands of a higher power! His body makes me want to melt, whether I'm touching it or just looking at him. His smile causes me to stutter and my heart pounds out of my chest! When I look into his eyes, I'm lost in a world where nothing can bring me down and he's got my complete attention. He speaks and his voice is like a ribbon of rainbows twirling together in majestic beauty!! When I'm near him, I feel like I've found a magical place of happiness. Being around him, nothing else even matters to me as long as he's happy and smiling. It brings me absolute joy to put a smile on his face and say things that cause him to blush (though he's not of a shade worth blushing lol).
I wonder sometimes if my heart knows what my head thinks and my heart is yelling at my head to just accept the feelings and let go. My head says that he's only going to hurt me and leave me broken like the rest, but my heart says he's the one to love and I need to be open about it and put my true feelings out there.
Would it be worth it though? I mean seriously...If one day I just said "hey, by the way....I love you" I think he'd freak out and then I'd be back to square one, all alone again. We don't spend a ton of time together, and I feel, sometimes, that I don't mean a whole lot to him...I mean, I feel that I treat him pretty damn good when we do spend time together, but what are his intentions with me? I want to ask him sometimes "are we going to have a long-term relationship out of this or what? cause if not, please leave me alone"...doesn't that seem a lil harsh though? I don't know what to do with him sometimes.
I, for one, don't have too much relationship skills anyway and I know this...but how am I even going to learn if these beings called Man always string me along, hurt me, lie, and use me? I know I'm naive at times, I know that I have a tendency to believe most peoples lies, and I know I'm a sucker for love so as soon as a guy says "i love you" I'm melted like butter and believe it...but don't I deserve to be loved??
The way this guy makes me feel, I haven't felt like this in a long time...and he's so much different than anyone else I've ever come in contact with. He's got a hold on me that I just can't shake though...he doesn't know it (unless he reads this lol) but I'd do almost anything for him as long as he's happy and he belongs to me. I honestly do think my heart loves him...though I dare not ever tell him that unless he says it first. hah...yea, I'm sure that'll happen! :-/ There should be some way that I could have a one day pass into his head and see what he really thinks of me. I wonder what I would learn...maybe it wouldn't be a good idea...but right now it seems pretty damn good!!
Guys make me question sometimes whether or not I'm good enough or worthy of even being in a relationship...I feel like no matter what I do, it's not the right thing and I'm not capable of making someone happy unless it's just about sexual things. Though I can't lie, I am a huge fan of sex...but that's for another blog post on one of those days I'm feeling like exploring it...haha! But, back to the topic of my interest... :)
What can I do to know how he feels? What can be said to find out the truth in what he wants for the future? Telling me to "just enjoy the moment" or "let's just see what happens" isn't something I take kindly. I honestly hate those sayings and I really want to hear something like "I want to spend a long time with you" or "We should stay together forever"...atleast something that calms my nerves and fears of being alone til I die. No? It's true, I'm not a very patient person nor am I trusting of just following lifes simple path of waiting and seeing what happens. I want to know that a guy that I like, and want to be with, likes me just as much and wouldn't mind spending an extended amount of time with me. At times I think I over-analyze things...like when a guy texts me and says "i'm spending time with some friends" I think "oh..ok he's with another girl or he's busy flirting with someone"...Yea I think negatively alot...it's a major flaw I have and I hate it, but maybe if I had a guy to reassure me that he's here for me and only me, I'd change that. Can't I find a guy that would rather say "I'm spending time with my friends, but you're the only thing on my mind right now"...? Yea that doesn't happen to me.
So, I think I'm done ranting and opening my thoughts to my little blog that apparently noone even reads...so this shall just become my online journal that I'll begin to vent to since it's faster than writing. hah! Well, my blog will also show me how sensitive, naive, stupid, and thoughtless I am at times... though what I really want to be shown is how romantic, sensitive, loving, and compassionate I am when I'm with someone that makes the world glow in front of my eyes like this guy does... but does he feel the same?...Maybe he does, maybe he doesnt...I'll stress over it until I know for sure.
Sincerely, Peach...the lost romantic soul!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
GoDaddy.com You should get one too!
I made a godaddy.com website and I have yet to even set the damn thing up...but it didn't cost much and even on my budget, I can afford it, so why not go get yourself a website and promote whatever it is you'd like to promote? In my opinion, everyone should have their own website. Maybe you want to build your own blog page, or your own music page, maybe even just a site to show case your family. Sign up for a godaddy.com webpage!! Click the link below and get started!!
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