Let's let the truth be known...

What do I want from you?
In all honesty, I want ur heart, but because of past issues, you've got it guarded! Here's a secret, mine is guarded as well, but after knowing you a lil better and knowing that you aint a lyin', cheatin', no-good dude...I trust in ur words and I let down most of my wall. I've still got some of it up, I aint gon lie...I aint tryin' to let myself be completely vunerable. Not atleast until I gain access to what I want.

I want to know that you are mine, that ur happy with me, that you love me. Wasn't it said that "you can't hurry love"? Yes, it may be true...but when all I see is ur face when I close my eyes, and when I wake up all I can think about is you and wonder how well ur sleeping and how much better it would be if I were sleeping next to you, holding you close to me and whispering sweet little things in ur ear and I'll never let you go. Have I said too much already?...


When I look into ur eyes, I find myself lost in another realm...it's like I've been carried away to a place where all that matters is to ensure ur happiness and hold on to you tightly n lovingly. I want to wrap my arms around you like ur a newborn child n love you endlessly until the day u slip away....slip away?...No I didn't mean that...I never, ever want you to slip away! Why not just rip my heart out and squish it. *sigh*

How did I allow myself to forget all the barriers that I built for situations like this? How could I be so careless and let my walls come down so easily?... I blame you...yes, you! Because if you didn't always seem to have the perfect responses to things I ask, and ur voice, ur laughter, ur smile...ur everything, wasn't so damn sexy, amazing, n loving...I wouldn't have fallen like this! Last time I fell like this, ... probably when I was 16...young n stupid then, now I'm 10 years older, know better than to allow myself to fall for someone who hasn't even fallen for me, much less, isn't even my man yet.

Have I lost control? Maybe, but the thoughts of you that circle my head every minute of every day keep me from going insane. When I'm mad, I think of you and I'm calm. When I'm upset, ur smile soothes me. How did you find your way into me so deep so easily?? You made it clear in the beginning that we arent together...you said you "don't know where this relationship is gonna go yet"...so what the hell was I thinking, allowing this situation I've gotten stuck in to happen??

If I could tell you something face to face without clamming up..I'd tell u that U are the MOST wonderful, most amazing, truly outstanding guy I have ever met and my intentions are to gain ur heart and hold onto it tight...never letting go! It's quite possible that U think I'm full of it...I don't blame you really. I do know though, that you are like me (in some ways) and U want to be loved and cared for just as I do. I couldn't bear to cause you pain...What benefit would I receive from it?

Seeing a majestic smile spread across ur face is something I take great pride in doing. When I make you laugh, all I can do is smile because I've brought joy to your heart. If ur arms are around me, I close my eyes and I think that there's no place on earth that could be more perfect than where I am at that moment! You move me in ways no man on this planet that I have ever come across has been able to do...yet u don't realize what you've even done to me...do you?

The only way I can explain this...is that my heart is tellin' me that ur the person to allow myself to open up to and just fall...free falling til the world ends...but then my head says I've gone insane and I shouldn't be even allowing u to make me this way. Which do I choose tho? If falling would only cause me pain...I'd choose my head..and if my head would cause me to lose u in the end...I'd choose my heart. Either way I'd be broken without u, so I must let u know that U are what I want!

In every way, from head to toe, inside and out...all ur flaws and quirks, ur asshole moods to ur sweetheart actions, I want you! I want ur heart, I want ur mind, body n soul... There's great risk involved in writing this...I am aware of that. Yet for some reason, u make me want to take it. I was urs from day one...never did I let u know this...but u hugged me the 1st day we met...I don't know what that feeling was, but It changed me. I tried so hard to get u off my mind...thinking u weren't any better than any other man I've met..it didn't work.

Since that day, no matter what I've done, you were the focus of my thoughts...the reason a smile would spread across my face for no apparent reason. When ur name is mentioned, all I could do was look down and blush. To see ur face is like winning the lottery when everything seems to have gone wrong. Ur so much to me, yet verbally I couldn't ever tell you this. I have wanted to...but the thoughts wont come and my voice is lost.

How did you get me this way? I've allowed myself to become vunerable and at risk for being shattered again...yet ur not even in my possession. I worry sometimes that another person has ur heart...maybe they do...but I can't help but want it in my possession and take care of it. I wanna take care of YOU...haven't I shown that yet? Haven't I made you see that I am here to make you happy and be happy with you?

There are so many times when I look at you and I want to grab u close n squeeze you against my body, kiss your lips so deep n passionate that you couldn't ever think of another person again. But, then I doubt myself n wonder if I could do that. I want to wrap my arms around you, holding you close and give you all the love and comfort that you could ask for.

I want to tell you that being around you is such a blissful feeling, that having sex with you...doesn't even matter. (wow...I said that?...) Well, I do want to, and geeeeez I'm dying to...but it's not something that I even spend time with you with the intentions of doing. I just love to be in ur company and laugh with you. I've fallen...I'm pretty sure I have...fallen for you.

Did I make a mistake?...Did I do this too soon?...How could I have stopped myself?... Would it matter if I had or hadn't anyway?... There are no answer to this because you don't even know how I feel. I wouldn't tell you if my life depended on it for the fear of being dropped...flat on my face! You are guarded, and I'm left out in the open with my heart reaching out for you to grab it...holding on forever until the day I'm 6ft under.

I know one day these words will be read...I know that I've taken a huge risk of even allowing you to know about this blog and have an insight into my soul because my written words are more honest than my verbal ones. I'm sorry I don't have good communication skills and that when I'm around you my voice is lost. I'm trying to do better, if you stay around, I'll learn to do better. I need to know that you're not going to hurt me. Know that when I voice my emotions, u won't shoot them down and hurt my feelings..U know that's easy to do. :(

Have you noticed that I've written all this....and still have yet to say what my heart keeps telling me to say?... Guess I can't even find the courage to write it... What the hell would happen if I did? Either you'd run away, or you'd be mine...right? I don't trust in that enough to attempt this kind of pitfall! I'm wrapped up tight in this strange emotion that I can't even explain correctly and yet I can't say it?

Where the hell are the rules and regulations on this subject? Am I missing something? Maybe it's because I've never been taught how to handle this, never been educated on the ways to express myself properly, never had the opportunity to show this emotion without feeling like I was wrong or made a mistake. But you...you've managed to find a strange hole in my wall and wiggle ur way through, blinding me to anything else I have known.

What happened to the old me that said "noone will break me and noone will make me feel like I'm a helpless little kitten again"...I've lost that! You came along and all of a sudden, I turned back into that kitten...looking for love and tenderness from you. Looking to be protected, to learn n grow with you. *sigh* I've lost my mind..I'm fairly sure of it. But...so what... I've fallen in love...*gulp* (smacks head n wonders wtf just happened)...


At the risk of losing my strength and being curled into a fetal position with ur response to this post.. I said it... I said it sooner than I wanted to, and in a way that I wasn't supposed to...because I wanted to hear it from you before I allowed it to escape from my lips (or fingers...whatever)... but...don't u take risks for love? I suppose you do, so here's my risk, with all I have on the line. You now know more about me than you were supposed to at this point and time.

You are perfect...I still have yet to find a flaw in you... maybe I've seen em, yet I can't acknowledge them because in my eyes you are absolutely perfect! You are the person who makes everything better and makes rainy days sunny for me. Nothing could ever cause me to frown as long as you are there beside me, nothing could cause me pain as long as ur arms are around me.




I feel like I should delete this whole thing and forget I had ever written it...But... Where's the gain if u don't take risks. You literally have the ball in ur court now...remember I told you that before? Now, you hold so much more than just that...lol
I'm sooo not gonna feel comfortable looking at ur gorgeous face now without feeling like I should just cry or hide in a corner... I can't remain the same "me" if u have this knowledge and nothing to put in return... See how careless I've become? I'm like a deer in the middle of the freeway just waiting to be killed!

I'm done now..I think I've expressed enough for one nite...probably enough for a lifetime now! Goodnite, I love you...no matter what direction this take me in, you will still be the cause of my smiles and remain the man in my heart until I die.

With love and devotion,

Yours truly, Nikki