All that I wanna know....

What is it that I want to know? Well, really I want to know everything!
If you really want me to be myself...then let me expose some of that now.
The women who comment on ur FB page and the one who said "what's up baby"...Who are they? Are you friends with ur ex u left before me?
Does a female have ur heart still? Why are u commenting on Becky's page? Who's she? Jealous? Not so much, just want to know why u comment more on her pix than anything on my page...Maybe that's an ex of urs? That's what I was thinking. 99% of the friends I've noticed you adding, are females...do they like you? Should I be worried?...I'm afraid at times.

Who do you love? An ex? I'm sure ur heart still lays with someone, somewhere...if not, then how hard will it be for me to get it? Will I even be able to get it? Do you trust in me and believe that what I tell you is for real? When I say ur the only one I want and that I only want to make YOU happy n see YOU smile, feel YOUR arms around me and know YOUR love...do you believe me?

I have no idea how to prove to you that I'm all about you...I don't know how to break down ur barrier and get to your heart. Be myself? I try. Speak my mind? I've given some thought to that, but then when it comes to speaking my mind, I feel like I'm opening up myself to hurt and I'm terrified of being hurt anymore. When I say anything that involves emotion or feelings, your response could either make me smile, or make my chest hurt.

Suppose I was to say "I love you" and ur response was "whatever" or something other than the obvious response to that, my chest would hurt and I'd want to cry. When it comes to speaking my mind about my emotions or anything like that, I shut down. I have yet to figure out why I do. I get really scared and my heart pounds, my head is cluttered with so many things I should say and want to say, but I'm so terrified!

I want to tell you so many things. I want to tell you how you make me feel, things that bother me, what I want from you, what I want the future to be, how I am completely addicted to you, how I want you to touch me and make love to me....but everything gets blocked out. You have NO idea how amazing you are to me. You're like the perfect guy and I'm obssessed with trying to find the perfect path to your heart. Will I find it?

Sometimes I wonder if you think I'm not worth it. I think that if I truly let my real self out...you'd find something that causes you to leave, then I'd be crushed. Once I know for sure that you're not going anywhere, maybe I will open up. Right now? I'm not too sure I can open up because for 1, you're not even mine and it's killing me that I have noone to claim, yet my heart is stuck on you and I want you sooo fucking bad!

What does it really take to make you my man? That's something that I've been trying to figure out...obviously the things I've said and done haven't worked. OH, maybe I should release the hold I have on my guard and just expose my realness? Would that work?
OMG...You have no clue how bad I want to be with you...call you my man and open up completely to you. Talking about things is just so hard for me and I wish you were more understanding about why it's hard for me to talk. You make me feel like I'm a communication outcast and I'm the only person on Earth that can't speak their feelings.

The things you say sometimes, makes me feel like even if I did open up more, you'd shoot down my calm mood and make me feel like whatever I've said is worthless to you. I can't tell you that you are someone that causes me to smile for no reason or that you cause butterflies in my stomach, or that being with you is my version of being on cloud 9...I fear that you'll say something stupid and make me feel like you don't even care.

Maybe I'm overreacting, I probably am, but I am only speaking how I feel about it. I can write this blog and tell you anything you've ever wanted to know, but vocalizing it is the hardest thing I could ever have to do.
I've told you about my past...You know why I have issues with men... speaking to my guidance councelor didn't even work, she had me write down my feelings and she'd read them then talk to me and help me.

I don't think I'll ever find anyone that will be understanding of my oversensitive emotions and try to help me be more vocal. I crave that person that I can talk to endlessly and not feel like they are criticizing me or putting me down for my thoughts and feelings. I want to be able to say anything and not want to curl into a ball or cry afterwards. I desperately want that person to be you...I want to tell you any and everything.

I've written that I love you...guess that doesn't matter either, that's another thing I won't dare say in front of you. You love me? Nah... one day maybe...if I'm lucky enough to gain access to your heart, that place I want to reach so bad!

This post may not help you understand, but it gets things off my chest... You are the only person I want in my life, in my heart, and in my thoughts! When you believe in that and you open up ur heart to me, things will be a little easier for me.

I want to be able to tell you about a guy flirtin' wit me, without you feeling like I was flirting back. I want to be able to tell you how my day went and vent to you without feeling like you don't give two shits about what went on.


I have a ton of love for you in my heart...apparently you knocked down enough walls to get there...but the communication thing is a little harder to do. You are the man I desire and noone else will take your place! You have me, my heart is yours... Please take it, own it, cherish it, and love it!

When I think about you and how your smile brightens up even the darkest of skies, I tell myself "today I will tell him how I feel"...but then I clam up and I'm afraid to be hurt... to fall flat on my face and only have you laughing at me. I fear that I'm falling down a well that has no end...I'm free falling and desperately waiting for you to catch me.

You seem to know some about my past... I don't know how, nor do I care because you are still coming around. All I care about is the future with you...assuming you'll be in my future for a while.

How is it that someone can make me smile so easily and put me in this exhilarating mood that makes me question which way is up and which is down? Who the hell threw me into a vortex of bliss? I'm infatuated, I'm obsessed, I'm addicted...completely intoxicated by you.

When I text you, I get upset when you don't answer me back in a few minutes...the only time I am forgiving of it, is when you're at work. When you are out with friends, or running around, or doing whatever, I feel like I'm being ignored and I'm annoyed. I guess it's because I check my phone constantly hoping to see that you've texted me and know that I'm on your mind as much as you're on mine. But could you really think of me 24 hours a day like I do with you?

My thoughts are never burnt out of thoughts of you. I wake up with you on my mind, and before I go to bed all I can think about is you. You are in my dreams, you're in my prayers, you're in my life in every way that you possibly can be right now. I don't know if I could express these things to you in a verbal conversation and feel like I've made a good choice. I feel like it's too much, too soon...atleast for you.

I feel like my heart guided me to the point that I am now... my head keeps screaming at me to stop, but I can't. You just make me feel like there is a true happiness in the world and you are it. Sometimes I'm at a loss for words and I can't find anything else to say that would make you release your heart to me. Though I crave it!!

What can I do to make you see that you are the one I want and I'd give anything to have you loving me? I'm beginning to be lost on the ways to find your heart. If it's even available to own. I wonder if you've let go of the past loves and ready to love again. I cry sometimes because I think that meeting you, and falling the way I did...I was stupid. You are just so damn perfect in so many ways and I couldn't help but begin to love the way you move, the way you smile, the way you make me feel...I love everything about you.

I crave love, I desire that feeling of being loved and calling someone my love. I've searched, I've failed. I've loved, and I've lost. You came into my life and I felt like love found me...but you don't love me... thought I lie to myself and I say "he doesn't have to say I love you, he shows that he loves me in some way because he does loving things".

If you told me you loved me, I would probably faint. You would put me into a state of shock. Being told that by you, I'd think that I've fallen into an alternate universe. I know you don't think so, but it's true, you really are so amazing and fit so well with me and my personality (minus my lack of speaking) that I'm addicted to you!


You and me..happy together...loving one another... atleast in my dreams its reality and my thoughts circle around loving you...when will you be loving me? I swear if I don't scare you off, or lose you in some way...You'll be loving me.


I'm done for now... hugs n kisses sweetheart.