What is in a guys mind??

I see these pictures I took of the geese and the ducks next to my job and I think "aww how cute they are just swimming together and preening each other". It must be nice to know who your mate is and to be spending time with them frequently. I am not really sure how that feels...it seems there is noone on Earth who wants the things I want....atleast they don't show it to me. Sometimes when I sit and think about it, I wonder if I want too many things...but do I really? Let's go through a list of some of the things I want....

~ Someone to hold and give affection to without consequence of any sort for "smothering" them

~ Someone I can trust with any and all of my thoughts without fear of backlash, humiliation, embarrassment, or disregard for my feelings that are HIGHLY easily hurt

~ Someone to trust completely... say you went out to a club or a party at your friends house, a fine girl comes up and flirts with you and tries to get your number...should I be worried? Don't I treat you good enough? Does she have something I'm missing? Hmm...

~ A man that makes me feel good inside and out! That's something that's hard to do...

~ Someone that doesn't mind when I kiss them multiple times for no reason

~ A man that doesn't mind when I want to massage their shoulders because they look stressed or just because.

~ A man that wouldn't mind taking a hot shower with me and letting me wash them from head to toe

~ A man to let me cook for them and play video games with me even if I suck at most of them.

~ Someone that holds me when I'm sad or upset..or just because!

~ Someone that understands how hard it is for me to open up and be willing to verbally get my issues and thoughts out.

~ Someone that doesn't get frustrated with me when I say things that don't come out right because I'm not good with words and what I really want to say is "I love you and I'm afraid to lose you"



I think that maybe there's a guy out there that would be accepting of me and my flaws with not being able to voice my feelings well enough or my thoughts and emotions on things, but I damn sure can't find them. So, let's talk about this guy that I'm talking to currently. Since it's easier for me to voice things through typing than to verbally get them out...Let's be honest here!

This guy seems to me, that he's the greatest being ever created with the hands of a higher power! His body makes me want to melt, whether I'm touching it or just looking at him. His smile causes me to stutter and my heart pounds out of my chest! When I look into his eyes, I'm lost in a world where nothing can bring me down and he's got my complete attention. He speaks and his voice is like a ribbon of rainbows twirling together in majestic beauty!! When I'm near him, I feel like I've found a magical place of happiness. Being around him, nothing else even matters to me as long as he's happy and smiling. It brings me absolute joy to put a smile on his face and say things that cause him to blush (though he's not of a shade worth blushing lol).

I wonder sometimes if my heart knows what my head thinks and my heart is yelling at my head to just accept the feelings and let go. My head says that he's only going to hurt me and leave me broken like the rest, but my heart says he's the one to love and I need to be open about it and put my true feelings out there.

Would it be worth it though? I mean seriously...If one day I just said "hey, by the way....I love you" I think he'd freak out and then I'd be back to square one, all alone again. We don't spend a ton of time together, and I feel, sometimes, that I don't mean a whole lot to him...I mean, I feel that I treat him pretty damn good when we do spend time together, but what are his intentions with me? I want to ask him sometimes "are we going to have a long-term relationship out of this or what? cause if not, please leave me alone"...doesn't that seem a lil harsh though? I don't know what to do with him sometimes.

I, for one, don't have too much relationship skills anyway and I know this...but how am I even going to learn if these beings called Man always string me along, hurt me, lie, and use me? I know I'm naive at times, I know that I have a tendency to believe most peoples lies, and I know I'm a sucker for love so as soon as a guy says "i love you" I'm melted like butter and believe it...but don't I deserve to be loved??

The way this guy makes me feel, I haven't felt like this in a long time...and he's so much different than anyone else I've ever come in contact with. He's got a hold on me that I just can't shake though...he doesn't know it (unless he reads this lol) but I'd do almost anything for him as long as he's happy and he belongs to me. I honestly do think my heart loves him...though I dare not ever tell him that unless he says it first. hah...yea, I'm sure that'll happen! :-/ There should be some way that I could have a one day pass into his head and see what he really thinks of me. I wonder what I would learn...maybe it wouldn't be a good idea...but right now it seems pretty damn good!!

Guys make me question sometimes whether or not I'm good enough or worthy of even being in a relationship...I feel like no matter what I do, it's not the right thing and I'm not capable of making someone happy unless it's just about sexual things. Though I can't lie, I am a huge fan of sex...but that's for another blog post on one of those days I'm feeling like exploring it...haha! But, back to the topic of my interest... :)

What can I do to know how he feels? What can be said to find out the truth in what he wants for the future? Telling me to "just enjoy the moment" or "let's just see what happens" isn't something I take kindly. I honestly hate those sayings and I really want to hear something like "I want to spend a long time with you" or "We should stay together forever"...atleast something that calms my nerves and fears of being alone til I die. No? It's true, I'm not a very patient person nor am I trusting of just following lifes simple path of waiting and seeing what happens. I want to know that a guy that I like, and want to be with, likes me just as much and wouldn't mind spending an extended amount of time with me. At times I think I over-analyze things...like when a guy texts me and says "i'm spending time with some friends" I think "oh..ok he's with another girl or he's busy flirting with someone"...Yea I think negatively alot...it's a major flaw I have and I hate it, but maybe if I had a guy to reassure me that he's here for me and only me, I'd change that. Can't I find a guy that would rather say "I'm spending time with my friends, but you're the only thing on my mind right now"...? Yea that doesn't happen to me.

So, I think I'm done ranting and opening my thoughts to my little blog that apparently noone even reads...so this shall just become my online journal that I'll begin to vent to since it's faster than writing. hah! Well, my blog will also show me how sensitive, naive, stupid, and thoughtless I am at times... though what I really want to be shown is how romantic, sensitive, loving, and compassionate I am when I'm with someone that makes the world glow in front of my eyes like this guy does... but does he feel the same?...Maybe he does, maybe he doesnt...I'll stress over it until I know for sure.

Sincerely, Peach...the lost romantic soul!