Let's let the truth be known...

What do I want from you?
In all honesty, I want ur heart, but because of past issues, you've got it guarded! Here's a secret, mine is guarded as well, but after knowing you a lil better and knowing that you aint a lyin', cheatin', no-good dude...I trust in ur words and I let down most of my wall. I've still got some of it up, I aint gon lie...I aint tryin' to let myself be completely vunerable. Not atleast until I gain access to what I want.

I want to know that you are mine, that ur happy with me, that you love me. Wasn't it said that "you can't hurry love"? Yes, it may be true...but when all I see is ur face when I close my eyes, and when I wake up all I can think about is you and wonder how well ur sleeping and how much better it would be if I were sleeping next to you, holding you close to me and whispering sweet little things in ur ear and I'll never let you go. Have I said too much already?...


When I look into ur eyes, I find myself lost in another realm...it's like I've been carried away to a place where all that matters is to ensure ur happiness and hold on to you tightly n lovingly. I want to wrap my arms around you like ur a newborn child n love you endlessly until the day u slip away....slip away?...No I didn't mean that...I never, ever want you to slip away! Why not just rip my heart out and squish it. *sigh*

How did I allow myself to forget all the barriers that I built for situations like this? How could I be so careless and let my walls come down so easily?... I blame you...yes, you! Because if you didn't always seem to have the perfect responses to things I ask, and ur voice, ur laughter, ur smile...ur everything, wasn't so damn sexy, amazing, n loving...I wouldn't have fallen like this! Last time I fell like this, ... probably when I was 16...young n stupid then, now I'm 10 years older, know better than to allow myself to fall for someone who hasn't even fallen for me, much less, isn't even my man yet.

Have I lost control? Maybe, but the thoughts of you that circle my head every minute of every day keep me from going insane. When I'm mad, I think of you and I'm calm. When I'm upset, ur smile soothes me. How did you find your way into me so deep so easily?? You made it clear in the beginning that we arent together...you said you "don't know where this relationship is gonna go yet"...so what the hell was I thinking, allowing this situation I've gotten stuck in to happen??

If I could tell you something face to face without clamming up..I'd tell u that U are the MOST wonderful, most amazing, truly outstanding guy I have ever met and my intentions are to gain ur heart and hold onto it tight...never letting go! It's quite possible that U think I'm full of it...I don't blame you really. I do know though, that you are like me (in some ways) and U want to be loved and cared for just as I do. I couldn't bear to cause you pain...What benefit would I receive from it?

Seeing a majestic smile spread across ur face is something I take great pride in doing. When I make you laugh, all I can do is smile because I've brought joy to your heart. If ur arms are around me, I close my eyes and I think that there's no place on earth that could be more perfect than where I am at that moment! You move me in ways no man on this planet that I have ever come across has been able to do...yet u don't realize what you've even done to me...do you?

The only way I can explain this...is that my heart is tellin' me that ur the person to allow myself to open up to and just fall...free falling til the world ends...but then my head says I've gone insane and I shouldn't be even allowing u to make me this way. Which do I choose tho? If falling would only cause me pain...I'd choose my head..and if my head would cause me to lose u in the end...I'd choose my heart. Either way I'd be broken without u, so I must let u know that U are what I want!

In every way, from head to toe, inside and out...all ur flaws and quirks, ur asshole moods to ur sweetheart actions, I want you! I want ur heart, I want ur mind, body n soul... There's great risk involved in writing this...I am aware of that. Yet for some reason, u make me want to take it. I was urs from day one...never did I let u know this...but u hugged me the 1st day we met...I don't know what that feeling was, but It changed me. I tried so hard to get u off my mind...thinking u weren't any better than any other man I've met..it didn't work.

Since that day, no matter what I've done, you were the focus of my thoughts...the reason a smile would spread across my face for no apparent reason. When ur name is mentioned, all I could do was look down and blush. To see ur face is like winning the lottery when everything seems to have gone wrong. Ur so much to me, yet verbally I couldn't ever tell you this. I have wanted to...but the thoughts wont come and my voice is lost.

How did you get me this way? I've allowed myself to become vunerable and at risk for being shattered again...yet ur not even in my possession. I worry sometimes that another person has ur heart...maybe they do...but I can't help but want it in my possession and take care of it. I wanna take care of YOU...haven't I shown that yet? Haven't I made you see that I am here to make you happy and be happy with you?

There are so many times when I look at you and I want to grab u close n squeeze you against my body, kiss your lips so deep n passionate that you couldn't ever think of another person again. But, then I doubt myself n wonder if I could do that. I want to wrap my arms around you, holding you close and give you all the love and comfort that you could ask for.

I want to tell you that being around you is such a blissful feeling, that having sex with you...doesn't even matter. (wow...I said that?...) Well, I do want to, and geeeeez I'm dying to...but it's not something that I even spend time with you with the intentions of doing. I just love to be in ur company and laugh with you. I've fallen...I'm pretty sure I have...fallen for you.

Did I make a mistake?...Did I do this too soon?...How could I have stopped myself?... Would it matter if I had or hadn't anyway?... There are no answer to this because you don't even know how I feel. I wouldn't tell you if my life depended on it for the fear of being dropped...flat on my face! You are guarded, and I'm left out in the open with my heart reaching out for you to grab it...holding on forever until the day I'm 6ft under.

I know one day these words will be read...I know that I've taken a huge risk of even allowing you to know about this blog and have an insight into my soul because my written words are more honest than my verbal ones. I'm sorry I don't have good communication skills and that when I'm around you my voice is lost. I'm trying to do better, if you stay around, I'll learn to do better. I need to know that you're not going to hurt me. Know that when I voice my emotions, u won't shoot them down and hurt my feelings..U know that's easy to do. :(

Have you noticed that I've written all this....and still have yet to say what my heart keeps telling me to say?... Guess I can't even find the courage to write it... What the hell would happen if I did? Either you'd run away, or you'd be mine...right? I don't trust in that enough to attempt this kind of pitfall! I'm wrapped up tight in this strange emotion that I can't even explain correctly and yet I can't say it?

Where the hell are the rules and regulations on this subject? Am I missing something? Maybe it's because I've never been taught how to handle this, never been educated on the ways to express myself properly, never had the opportunity to show this emotion without feeling like I was wrong or made a mistake. But you...you've managed to find a strange hole in my wall and wiggle ur way through, blinding me to anything else I have known.

What happened to the old me that said "noone will break me and noone will make me feel like I'm a helpless little kitten again"...I've lost that! You came along and all of a sudden, I turned back into that kitten...looking for love and tenderness from you. Looking to be protected, to learn n grow with you. *sigh* I've lost my mind..I'm fairly sure of it. But...so what... I've fallen in love...*gulp* (smacks head n wonders wtf just happened)...


At the risk of losing my strength and being curled into a fetal position with ur response to this post.. I said it... I said it sooner than I wanted to, and in a way that I wasn't supposed to...because I wanted to hear it from you before I allowed it to escape from my lips (or fingers...whatever)... but...don't u take risks for love? I suppose you do, so here's my risk, with all I have on the line. You now know more about me than you were supposed to at this point and time.

You are perfect...I still have yet to find a flaw in you... maybe I've seen em, yet I can't acknowledge them because in my eyes you are absolutely perfect! You are the person who makes everything better and makes rainy days sunny for me. Nothing could ever cause me to frown as long as you are there beside me, nothing could cause me pain as long as ur arms are around me.




I feel like I should delete this whole thing and forget I had ever written it...But... Where's the gain if u don't take risks. You literally have the ball in ur court now...remember I told you that before? Now, you hold so much more than just that...lol
I'm sooo not gonna feel comfortable looking at ur gorgeous face now without feeling like I should just cry or hide in a corner... I can't remain the same "me" if u have this knowledge and nothing to put in return... See how careless I've become? I'm like a deer in the middle of the freeway just waiting to be killed!

I'm done now..I think I've expressed enough for one nite...probably enough for a lifetime now! Goodnite, I love you...no matter what direction this take me in, you will still be the cause of my smiles and remain the man in my heart until I die.

With love and devotion,

Yours truly, Nikki

What is in a guys mind??

I see these pictures I took of the geese and the ducks next to my job and I think "aww how cute they are just swimming together and preening each other". It must be nice to know who your mate is and to be spending time with them frequently. I am not really sure how that feels...it seems there is noone on Earth who wants the things I want....atleast they don't show it to me. Sometimes when I sit and think about it, I wonder if I want too many things...but do I really? Let's go through a list of some of the things I want....

~ Someone to hold and give affection to without consequence of any sort for "smothering" them

~ Someone I can trust with any and all of my thoughts without fear of backlash, humiliation, embarrassment, or disregard for my feelings that are HIGHLY easily hurt

~ Someone to trust completely... say you went out to a club or a party at your friends house, a fine girl comes up and flirts with you and tries to get your number...should I be worried? Don't I treat you good enough? Does she have something I'm missing? Hmm...

~ A man that makes me feel good inside and out! That's something that's hard to do...

~ Someone that doesn't mind when I kiss them multiple times for no reason

~ A man that doesn't mind when I want to massage their shoulders because they look stressed or just because.

~ A man that wouldn't mind taking a hot shower with me and letting me wash them from head to toe

~ A man to let me cook for them and play video games with me even if I suck at most of them.

~ Someone that holds me when I'm sad or upset..or just because!

~ Someone that understands how hard it is for me to open up and be willing to verbally get my issues and thoughts out.

~ Someone that doesn't get frustrated with me when I say things that don't come out right because I'm not good with words and what I really want to say is "I love you and I'm afraid to lose you"



I think that maybe there's a guy out there that would be accepting of me and my flaws with not being able to voice my feelings well enough or my thoughts and emotions on things, but I damn sure can't find them. So, let's talk about this guy that I'm talking to currently. Since it's easier for me to voice things through typing than to verbally get them out...Let's be honest here!

This guy seems to me, that he's the greatest being ever created with the hands of a higher power! His body makes me want to melt, whether I'm touching it or just looking at him. His smile causes me to stutter and my heart pounds out of my chest! When I look into his eyes, I'm lost in a world where nothing can bring me down and he's got my complete attention. He speaks and his voice is like a ribbon of rainbows twirling together in majestic beauty!! When I'm near him, I feel like I've found a magical place of happiness. Being around him, nothing else even matters to me as long as he's happy and smiling. It brings me absolute joy to put a smile on his face and say things that cause him to blush (though he's not of a shade worth blushing lol).

I wonder sometimes if my heart knows what my head thinks and my heart is yelling at my head to just accept the feelings and let go. My head says that he's only going to hurt me and leave me broken like the rest, but my heart says he's the one to love and I need to be open about it and put my true feelings out there.

Would it be worth it though? I mean seriously...If one day I just said "hey, by the way....I love you" I think he'd freak out and then I'd be back to square one, all alone again. We don't spend a ton of time together, and I feel, sometimes, that I don't mean a whole lot to him...I mean, I feel that I treat him pretty damn good when we do spend time together, but what are his intentions with me? I want to ask him sometimes "are we going to have a long-term relationship out of this or what? cause if not, please leave me alone"...doesn't that seem a lil harsh though? I don't know what to do with him sometimes.

I, for one, don't have too much relationship skills anyway and I know this...but how am I even going to learn if these beings called Man always string me along, hurt me, lie, and use me? I know I'm naive at times, I know that I have a tendency to believe most peoples lies, and I know I'm a sucker for love so as soon as a guy says "i love you" I'm melted like butter and believe it...but don't I deserve to be loved??

The way this guy makes me feel, I haven't felt like this in a long time...and he's so much different than anyone else I've ever come in contact with. He's got a hold on me that I just can't shake though...he doesn't know it (unless he reads this lol) but I'd do almost anything for him as long as he's happy and he belongs to me. I honestly do think my heart loves him...though I dare not ever tell him that unless he says it first. hah...yea, I'm sure that'll happen! :-/ There should be some way that I could have a one day pass into his head and see what he really thinks of me. I wonder what I would learn...maybe it wouldn't be a good idea...but right now it seems pretty damn good!!

Guys make me question sometimes whether or not I'm good enough or worthy of even being in a relationship...I feel like no matter what I do, it's not the right thing and I'm not capable of making someone happy unless it's just about sexual things. Though I can't lie, I am a huge fan of sex...but that's for another blog post on one of those days I'm feeling like exploring it...haha! But, back to the topic of my interest... :)

What can I do to know how he feels? What can be said to find out the truth in what he wants for the future? Telling me to "just enjoy the moment" or "let's just see what happens" isn't something I take kindly. I honestly hate those sayings and I really want to hear something like "I want to spend a long time with you" or "We should stay together forever"...atleast something that calms my nerves and fears of being alone til I die. No? It's true, I'm not a very patient person nor am I trusting of just following lifes simple path of waiting and seeing what happens. I want to know that a guy that I like, and want to be with, likes me just as much and wouldn't mind spending an extended amount of time with me. At times I think I over-analyze things...like when a guy texts me and says "i'm spending time with some friends" I think "oh..ok he's with another girl or he's busy flirting with someone"...Yea I think negatively alot...it's a major flaw I have and I hate it, but maybe if I had a guy to reassure me that he's here for me and only me, I'd change that. Can't I find a guy that would rather say "I'm spending time with my friends, but you're the only thing on my mind right now"...? Yea that doesn't happen to me.

So, I think I'm done ranting and opening my thoughts to my little blog that apparently noone even reads...so this shall just become my online journal that I'll begin to vent to since it's faster than writing. hah! Well, my blog will also show me how sensitive, naive, stupid, and thoughtless I am at times... though what I really want to be shown is how romantic, sensitive, loving, and compassionate I am when I'm with someone that makes the world glow in front of my eyes like this guy does... but does he feel the same?...Maybe he does, maybe he doesnt...I'll stress over it until I know for sure.

Sincerely, Peach...the lost romantic soul!

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Loving the time I spend with him!

This guy....man I can't say enough about him. There's nothing about him that I don't like, he's sweet, sexy, muscular, silly, great smile, gorgeous eyes, gentle touch...and best of all, his personality makes mine shine! Usually I'm real shy with guys and I don't feel too comfy talking about certain things, but with him I feel more comfortable saying things that I feel. I'm more playful and show more of my sweet side, I'm a lil more fearless to put how I feel out there, and I'm always blushing when he's around me. Even after an hour of being away from him, my face is so hot and flush, my heart takes its time slowing down and my thoughts can't stay off him!
Sometimes I sit and ponder many things concerning him, like why doesn't he seem to have any flaws? How come he seems so perfect? This guy has got my head spinning so fast and I'm wondering where we could go from here... how long can this last? I'm willing to stay this way as long as he's cool with it. Lol Of all the feelings I've ever felt, the feeling he gives me is unlike any other I've had! I hear people saying "when u find ur true love, u'll know it"...but...I don't think I ever have, until now. Though I'd never admit that to him for fear of scaring him off and I don't know how he feels exactly. I'll keep my mouth shut and my fingers crossed, hoping that I can always make him as happy as he makes me.
In my eyes, he's the most wonderful man I've ever met and I want to do all I can to show him how much he means to me already. I want him 2 be able 2 go 2 bed every night, and wake up every morning with a smile on his face and thoughts of me. I'm obsessed with keeping that sexy smile spread across his face and his arms wrapped around me. As long as he's near me, my world is set in clouds and my heart is in his hands, nothing shall bring me down, and noone can take my smile!

Man...Fate brings the most desired things sometimes!

In Highschool I dated this guy who I cared about a lot. I never told him, nor would I dare do it now...lol, but he was my first love. 10 years passed since I saw him last...seeing his face again brought back so many memories that I pushed to the back of my mind because it kinda hurt that I didn't have him anymore. We kinda drifted apart when he left school because a snitch got him kicked out over something stupid. I wish we had never seperated...I really loved being around him and spending time with him. His kisses were soft and made my knees weak. His touch brought joy to me and caused my heart to stop, I swear I was unconsious when he touched me. lol When his arms were around me, I thought I had found Heaven!

Now, we talk on the phone often (though I'm not always the one talking) and we hang out sometimes. He just got out of a 2year relationship and isn't ready for another relationship. I wish I had started talking to him before he met her...that way he'd be mine and I wouldn't have to fight so damn hard to win his heart back. Though, I'm a good woman, and I'll stay my distance and allow him time to resolve his issues and figure out what he wants to do. I'll give him the time he needs to get situated and gain trust in me again. I have no intentions to hurt him or anything like that. I only hope that he sees this and realizes that I want to love him and make him happy.

Seeing him smile and happy brings me happiness. For him to be in my life, that makes me happy. If he ever needs anyone to listen to his problems or someone to hold him when he's sad, I am here with open arms to comfort him! I get this awesome feeling when he's close to me, I stop breathing when his arms wrap around me...Hell I can't see straight when he kisses me! It's almost insane how he makes me feel! And yet he doesn't even know it. Would it matter? Would I still be sitting here wondering when he's going to be mine again? Hmm... I don't know if it would matter, but until he decides what he's going to do, I'm sittin here goin' crazy

He'll forever be in my heart, he's my first love, where else would he be? lol Whatever he chooses to do in his life, as long as he's happy, then I'm happy for him. If ever he feels like the world is against him, all he's got to do is remember that I'm here with open arms to love and support him. I'll never give up the love I have for him, even if I give up on being with him again. I hope that he knows that I don't want to hurt him, and I'll always do what I can to make him happy. However, my issue is when we're talking....It's hard for me to verbally tell him things that are on my mind.

It frustrates me because I want so bad to tell him how much I wanna make him happy n make him feel appreciated and loved...but yet I can't get the words out. I could write my whole heart out for him, but words just wont come out. I want to tell him that my heart is his and always has been, that I wish he was mine again and that I wanna hold him tight and never let go!!! But the words are lost! :( I can tell him how my day was and that I missed him...but I can't tell him that I love him more than words could ever describe and I wanna kiss him for hours?

My verbal issues always cause problems, and I wish I knew how to not be so afraid to speak my mind...it's just so damn hard! There's a barrier that I can't get through and I hate it! Maybe one day I'll get over this stupid issue and be able to tell him everything i've always wanted to say...until then, I'll do my best to show him how much I care and attempt to win his heart. It pisses me off sometimes that he says "i want a family n a white pickett fence" then turns around n says he don't want a relationship right now. Which do u want?

I'm trying my hardest, yet ur putting me on the sidelines...U tell me to just be happy in the moment and not worry about the future cuz it's so far away. I want to, but I just want to know if you even plan on being with me or i'm just a fill-in til u find someone else??

So, in the mean time, I've met this other guy that just keeps getting more n more perfect...idk how he does it...it's like he's inside my head and knows the perfect answers to everything! lol I have yet to find something about him that I don't like...He's got gorgeous eyes, sexy lips, adorable lil ears, awesome smile and gives the most incredibly amazing hugs I've ever had! He's silly n makes me smile... he likes affection as much as I do, he don't smoke, he don't drink...so far he's perfect! Where the hell is his flaws at??

I like this damn dude n yet i'm too wrapped up in my HS bf to try n see what would happen between us. Should I give up on my HS bf since he's not showing the efforts i'm lookin' for and pursue this other guy that seems to show a lil more effort than him? To be quite honest, white versus black...I tend to choose black because it's sexy to me...the color contrast of us both layin' together...the looks we'd get in public by haters...the beautiful kids that we'd have...mannnn he may just end up winning me! lol!!!!

3 more weeks and I'll make my decision...I'm sure it'll be hard...but people always tell me "do what makes you happy because its ur life and noone else's"...so, if this guy makes me happy...Y not take the risk and see if he'd be good for me, or just end up hurting me like the rest of em have. I think just to be in his arms a few times and kiss those fuckin' sexy kissable lookin' lips...I'd take the chance even if he does break my heart into pieces!! :) haha!

I sit in silence sometimes and I think about spending time with him...what would we do? Would we walk down the beach an hour before sunset and hold hands sitting there looking at the sun going down? Would we go bowling and laugh at each others horrible bowl? How bout sitting on the swings at Waterfront Park downtown and enjoy the beautiful weather while talking about our future together? Maybe we'd just get a small private place at a lake or river and spend hours together fishing and getting to know one another?

It doesn't matter what we'd do...as long as I'm spending time with him and as long as he's got a smile on that gorgeous face, then I'm happy and I'd love it! Sometimes I look at his pictures and I imagine what it's gonna be like to call him my baby..my boo..my sexy teddy bear...my love...my best friend...maybe my future husband...cuz thats what he seems to be sometimes lol At times he sounds like he's the perfect guy...like my dream guy that I never thought existed! He's not a perverted lil hornball like 90% of the guys I know. He's not addicted to weed and I wouldn't have to worry bout that. He's a gamer like me and we could play games together. ...shit I don't even know what there is that I could say bad about him.

Well, I hope that things in my life turn out to be as I want them. I love that I've met someone that makes me feel like they are a drug and I'm getting addicted! lol I'm done ranting now...plz leave comments (and dont be assholes or rude...thnx)